Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
I have to admit that I am kind of afraid to forgive. I don’t want to “look suffering in the eye.” What would be your recommendation for me?
Many people are afraid to examine their own degree of suffering or even their degree of anger because they see no solution once they “look suffering in the eye” (or anger in the eye). Please remember that forgiveness is a strong solution to suffering and anger and so it is all right for you to stand in the truth and see your suffering and see your level of anger. Forgiveness is your safety net. As you see that suffering, bolstered by the confidence that forgiveness gives to you, then try to discern what meaning this suffering has for you. The result is likely to be a significant reduction in that suffering.
I work hard on forgiveness, but sometimes I get to a week in which I do not want to even think about it or what happened to me. During these times, what can I do to not feel guilty or uncomfortable about setting forgiveness aside?
Let us take an analogy here. Suppose you have a physical fitness regimen. Do you work out every week for an entire year or do you take some time off to refresh, to heal, to re-group? Physical trainers tell us to take some time off. It is good for us. Think of becoming forgivingly fit in the same way. Hard work is good, but we need some time off to refresh and re-group so that we come back to that work with renewed enthusiasm.
I have refused to forgive a good friend for betraying a secret. Now I am annoyed with myself for not forgiving her. What would you recommend in this complicated situation?
It seems that you are ready to forgive your friend based on what you are saying. So, starting this forgiveness journey toward her seems reasonable now. You also could then start to forgive yourself because, as you say, you are annoyed with yourself for not moving forward yet with forgiving her.
Would you classify forgiveness as a skill or as a moral virtue?
There is more to forgiveness than a skill. A skill suggests expertise in action, such as shooting free throws accurately in basketball. Forgiveness is more nuanced than that. Its basic difference with a skill is this: Forgiveness is not just the execution of accuracy. Instead, it is a willed and rational focus on the good of the other. You understand this focus of goodness for others, you will it, you practice it (and here is where the idea of skill comes in), and you eventually can make it part of your identity, of who you are as a person.
A friend of mine said that as she forgives, she is worried that it might lower her self-esteem because as she focuses on the one who was unjust, she will be reliving the pain and the put-downs from the other person. What do you think?
There is a paradox of forgiving in that as you reach out to others with forgiveness, offering a second chance as well as kindness and love, it is you, the giver, who heals. Scientific studies have demonstrated the validity of this paradox.
