Over the years, I have forgiven him, and I believed my resentment had subsided. However, I am furious since he is now exhibiting symptoms of returning. Two inquiries: 1) After all these years, why am I still so angry, especially when I’ve already forgiven? and 2) How can I deal with my rage? I’m scared because it’s so intense. Please assist me.
I want to start by praising you for having the resolve to express your anger. You’ve been through a lot. To answer your first question, I believe that once a crisis has passed, anger can sometimes grow stronger. Trying to survive as a child without a father was your crisis. You were definitely under strain at times because of this since people might have asked you awkward questions or questioned where your father was, among other things. You persevered. You are letting go of the crisis now that you have “made it in the world,” since you are able to operate well enough to attend a university. Your mental barriers to the fury are now weakening, and resentment is rising within of you.
First of all, please accept that this is normal and refrain from labeling yourself as unusual or unhealthy. Simultaneously, you realize that anger itself has the potential to be unhealthy and even cause you to lash out at people, so you need to deal with the anger.
Would you mind resuming the forgiveness process with your father? Recognize that you are angry and start over from there. Recognize its ability, including the potential for harm to you or others. Then resolve to forgive once more. Proceed with the act of forgiving as though it were your first time. The favorable outcomes likely will take you by surprise. How am I aware? You’ve achieved success in the past.
In response to your second question, as you are aware and as I have already stated, forgiveness will be helpful. I advise you to practice humility along with forgiveness. Humility is the quiet sense of purposefully eschewing entitlement or conceit and developing a sense of meekness and lowliness. You are not doing this to give in to pressure from your father or anyone else. Rather, you will be taking this action to prevent yourself from feeling the need to control your father when he approaches you, possibly in a broken and submissive manner. See what happens when you meet him with a meekness of your own.
