Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

What is a first step in convincing my partner to read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice? He has been hurt by his father years ago, and resentment remains. Every time I mention forgiveness, he turns away as if it is toxic.

I first would try to find out what he means by the term forgiveness. It is possible that he is misunderstanding it, equating it, for example, with saying, “What you did to me was okay.”  See if there are errors in his thinking. If there are, try to correct those, without insisting that he now forgives. After a while, you can ask him how his inner world is. For example, is he disrupted by his father’s actions from years ago? If so, ask him what he is doing to heal from that and if his chosen approach actually is working? If not, you then can gently discuss some of the scientific research showing that people get relief from their resentment when they forgive. Understanding accurately what forgiveness is and being motivated to heal from resentment are two approaches that are worth trying.

Don’t you think that an apology helps foster forgiving? If so, does it follow that the other’s apology should be part of what forgiveness is?

Receiving an apology does help people to forgive, but this is not necessary. Think of any other moral virtue, such as altruism. If you want to give money to a person who is without a home, does this person have to say or do something for you to freely give funds to this person? No. Why? This is the case because people are free to be altruistic whenever they want to do so. It is the same with forgiveness. You are free to forgive whenever you want to do so. It is not dependent on what others do, even if they offer an apology.

Do you think that if a person forgives too easily, then this might enable harmful behavior by the other person?

I think this issue is often misunderstood, based on my reading and the questions I’ve been asked. If a person forgives quickly (or, as you say, easily), this does not invalidate the philosophical issue that moral virtues should be practiced together. In the case of forgiveness, justice should be a teammate. In other words, when you forgive, also respectfully ask for justice from the one who acted unjustly. When this occurs (forgiveness and justice working in tandem), it does not matter if the forgiving is quick or lengthy. In either case, justice should accompany the forgiving.

I am wondering if time can have an influence on a person’s motivation to forgive. Here is what I mean: If a person is holding on to resentment for a long time, might all this misery, experienced for years, get a person’s attention? The person then might get fed up with feeling badly. This, then, gives people the motivation to try forgiving.

You definitely show insight into the forgiveness process. Our first phase of the forgiveness process focuses on the forgiver’s internal states of anger and unrest, which often motivate a person to move forward with forgiving. So, time and insight together can be a strong motivation to forgive. Time by itself probably does not have much of an effect because sometimes time solidifies a person’s identity, for example, as a “feisty person,” and this can be difficult to alter. So, time plus insight that the resentment is not helpful can get the person’s attention and motivate the person to try forgiving.

If deep anger can affect the heart, is it possible that forgiveness therapy, for people who have been treated very unfairly and have heart compromise, might be beneficial in a physical way that improves cardiac functioning?

Yes, we have published an experimental study in which we assessed men with cardiac compromise who were on a hospital unit for this. We screened them for their level of forgiveness and blood flow through the heart. Only those who were unforgiving were part of the study. We randomized the men into the experimental group (having a forgiveness intervention) and the control group that had cardiac health education as usual. At a 4-month follow-up, the experimental group had more blood flow through the heart than the control group (N=9 in the experimental group; N=8 in the control group). The reference to the study is this:

Waltman, M.A., Russell, D.C., Coyle, C.T., Enright, R.D., Holter, A.C., & Swoboda, C. (2009). The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease.  Psychology and Health, 24, 11-27.