Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
Maybe the person I forgive starts taking advantage of me if I forgive repeatedly. Would it not be preferable to give forgiveness a little more time so that the other person has to wait to understand that she hurt me?
As Aristotle reminds us, we should not practice the moral virtues in isolation. Given that forgiveness is a moral virtue, if this is the case, it also applies to it. To prevent exploitation of us, justice is the primary moral virtue that ought to go hand in hand with forgiveness. Let us practice forgiveness and then request fairness from the other person. When we first forgive, then the way that we ask for justice may be gentler and even more temperate than if we demand justice while we are fuming with anger.
Is there a distinction between wishing people well and forgiving them? Though I still harbor strong feelings of resentment toward my ex-husband, I wish him well. He violated the terms of our marriage.
In his book, Forgive and Forget, the late Lewis Smedes pointed out that when people wish the other person well, they begin to forgive. You are probably only starting the process of forgiving, which is a good thing. You now have to keep moving toward a deeper forgiveness. As you go through this, try to see your ex-husband’s worth; consider his emotional wounds, which may have played a role in the breakup. Try to be mindful of any compassion that may be developing inside you. According to our scientific studies, the outcome most likely will be reduced anger.
I’ve forgiven a friend a couple of times for acting inappropriately and rudely, yet he persists in his rudeness. I’m starting to worry if he interprets my forgiveness as a sign of weakness. Should I withhold my forgiveness the next time to send a different message to him—that when I ask him to stop being so obnoxious and cruel, I truly mean it?
In my opinion, reconciliation—rather than forgiveness—is at stake here. After you have let go of your anger, you may ask the other person to be fair. You can forgive from the bottom of your heart. You are conveying the message—that the behavior is inappropriate—that I believe is your objective as you continue to request justice. Therefore, think about forgiving as soon as you feel angry because of the unfairness. Next, focus on reconciliation by pointing out the actions you would like to see him alter so that you two can once more have mutual trust.
I consider myself to be somewhat shy and quiet. I know I should beg someone to forgive me, but I find it so difficult. What advice would you provide me to help me finish this?
It’s brave of you to want to ask for forgiveness already. So please keep that in mind. It’s not necessary to ask in person. Have you considered sending an email or letter as a beginning point? This gives you the chance to put your actions in writing, together with your thoughts on why your actions were unjust and how they affected the other person. You then can add a written apology and ask the person to forgive you.
Must one feel or experience a sentiment of guilt about their resentment to truly forgive?
Not necessarily. Anger within a temperate range (not so long and not so deeply intense) after injustice is normal. One may experience true guilt if one has reacted in an unjust manner toward the other person or has harbored feeling of revenge, for example.
If one is harboring this sense of revenge, as an example, or if one has lashed out verbally and with intense anger to the other person, then yes, feelings of guilt are normal and forgiving the self and, if this is a religious person, asking forgiveness from God are important.
