Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I am wondering about the idea that forgiveness involves, as you say, “giving a gift” to the one who was unfair. I can imagine, in some cases, that this could backfire, with the other person rejecting the gift and even being critical of it. What do you think?
Yes, the one who decides to give a gift to the other is taking a risk. Usually, the other is grateful for it, but at times the scenario can unfold as you describe in your question. When that happens, it can catch the gift-giver off guard. This, then, can be another occasion for forgiving to take place. If the forgiver has good reason to fear backlash from the gift-giving, it can be given indirectly, such as donating money to charity in the other’s name without announcing it.
What is the clue that people in a romantic relationship truly have forgiven each other? My concern is residual anger that could chip away at the relationship.
If each person is now concerned about the other’s welfare and shows it, then it seems to me that both have forgiven. If there is residual anger, the other is going to see this because the anger will be coming at this other person. When this happens, it is a good idea to first forgive, even for this new expression of anger, and then to gently ask the other for a change in this kind of communication that includes some anger. Because both have made progress in forgiving, I suspect that such feedback will be taken seriously by the one showing the anger.
I currently am taking a college class on forgiveness that lasts a semester. Do you think I will be able to master the fine art of forgiveness by then?
It depends on how deeply others hurt you. Deep hurts can take time and should not be rushed. Within a semester, you should be able to make good progress in forgiving. Please keep in mind that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget. Even if you still have some residual anger left over at the end of the semester, you can continue working on the process of forgiving once the semester ends. Also, please keep in mind that having some residual anger left over does not mean you have not forgiven. As long as the anger is not controlling you, you likely will have forgiven if you wish the other well, see this person’s humanity, and show mercy to the extent this person will let you interact.
Is it selfish for me to forgive for my own benefit?
Forgiveness itself is the free-will decision to be good to those who have been unfair. This is exercising the moral virtues of mercy (giving more than what is deserved in justice) and, at its highest level, agape love (trying to do good to the other even when it is painful to do so). Therefore, these qualities, offered to someone who hurt you, are anything but selfish. We have to distinguish here what forgiveness is and some of the motivations for forgiving. If you need emotional relief, it certainly is acceptable to begin the forgiveness process with this motivation. At the same time, as you start to forgive genuinely, you are reaching out in mercy to that other person, which is for that person rather than for you. So, to have a motivation of self-protection is not selfish.
If the person who behaved badly continues with the unacceptable behavior, is it appropriate to just shut down forgiving and try something else?
As you forgive, even from the start, you can ask for fairness. If the other person persists in wrongdoing, persist (gently) in asking for fairness. It is important to continue forgiving because your anger at this point could be even higher than it was at the start. So, your continued forgiving, at the very least, is a protection for your well-being. The “something else” you mention is your quest for justice.
