Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

Thank you for clarifying that to forgive is a moral response, but it is not a response of dominating the other.  Yet, I have a follow-up question: Might forgiveness actually be morally superior to, say, acrimony or hatred?

Let us make a distinction between the person who forgives and the act of forgiveness itself.  Those people who forgive are not acting in a morally superior way, but are lowering themselves in humility, as I explained before.  Yet, the act of forgiving is far superior in a moral sense than acrimony, getting back at the other, or hating the other.  Why?  It is because forgiving builds up and hatred has the potential of tearing down.  So, the person is not feeling morally superior; the forgiving act itself is considerably morally superior than the option to hate.

My partner keeps saying that I am “morally superior” because I forgive.  He does not mean this in any positive sense.  He is using it as an insult.  How do you recommend that I respond?

I would say something such as this:  “Yes, forgiveness is a moral issue and so, yes, I am showing moral behavior toward you.”  Yet, as the philosopher Joanna North has said in a philosophy journal article, when people forgive, they lower themselves in humility so that each person can meet person-to-person.  So, yes, forgiving is an admirable moral response, but it does not suggest domination of the other at all.

I find it increasingly hard to forgive a person who keeps on being obnoxious. So, what can I do?

A key here is to first forgive from your heart so that you can approach the person without a lot of anger inside of you. Then try to have a civil conversation with the person so that there is opportunity for insight and change. A key here is for the other to change. Your forgiveness can play a part in that, but even if it does not, you will be free from the inner resentment that can compromise you if you forgive.

It is not possible to forgive someone who has died unless the forgiver believes in an afterlife, right?

One can forgive the deceased regardless of the belief system of the forgiver.  For example, the forgiver can say something nice about the person to others, preserving a good name, not because of what happened, but in spite of this.  The forgiver might donate some money to a charity in that person’s name, again as a generous act of forgiving.  So, one can forgive someone who has died.  Otherwise, the one who was treated unjustly could be trapped with an inner resentment that could last the rest of the person’s life.

Forgiveness basically is transcendence, right? As we forgive, we transcend anger.

Well, actually, that is not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is a moral virtue of offering goodness to another person who is acting unjustly. You can transcend a situation without any thought or action of goodness toward another person. Here is an example: A person transcends the struggle of disappointment as his home is destroyed by a tornado. There is no person here to forgive, yet there is transcendence. The person is going beyond the disappointment and even anger, but without another person being in that process. Forgiving involves reaching out to another person, even when the forgiver is feeling pain that is not transcended or reduced yet.