Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
Is my giving a gift to the other person something different from magnanimity of heart?
Yes, there is a specific difference between the two. Magnanimity of heart first is centered within the person as an insight and a motivation to be good to the other. Giving the gift is a part of magnanimity of heart but is not the entire package. The giving of the gift is the concrete expression of the magnanimity.
Is indifference toward the person who hurt me considered something negative in the forgiveness process? I am feeling indifferent. In the past, the feeling was much more negative than this.
Indifference is not a moral virtue and so it is not what forgiveness is. Yet, feeling indifference may be a transition out of hatred. If you had deep anger or hatred and now you are indifferent toward the one who hurt you, then you are making progress in forgiving. There is more to your forgiveness journey than this. Why? It is because the one who hurt you is a person and all persons can be treated with kindness, respect, generosity, and even love. So, I urge you to stay on your important forgiveness journey. Please be encouraged because it seems that you are making progress.
How does my giving a gift to the one who hurt me break the power that the person has over me?
This gift-giving is part of the amazing paradox of forgiving: As you give to the other, it is you who experiences healing. Our science supports this view. As people go through our Process Model of Forgiveness, they tend to reduce in anger, anxiety, and depression and to increase in self-esteem and hope. You can read a description of some of these studies in Enright and Fitzgibbons (2015), Forgiveness Therapy. Washington, DC: APA Books.
What if positive feelings toward the one who offended me do not emerge? What then? Do I give it more time?
Please remember that forgiveness is a process and we do not necessarily reach the highest levels of this process. If you do not develop positive feelings toward the person, but the strongly negative emotions shrink to manageable levels, then you definitely are on the pathway of forgiving. Yes, you can continue the process of forgiving with this person, but please know that you are doing well in your forgiving by reducing resentment.
Giving a gift to the one who hurt me sounds way too difficult. What do you suggest?
Giving a gift to the other in forgiveness occurs in our Process Model later in the process. You need first to try to think of the one who hurt you in broader ways than just defining that person by the unjust actions. From there you can practice bearing the pain or standing in the pain so that you do not displace that pain onto the one who hurt you or onto others. Once you begin to feel stronger as you bear the pain, then you can consider giving a gift to the other. This might be a smile or a returned email or even a kind word about the person to others. I recommend giving a gift because this is what the moral virtue of forgiveness is on a deep level: being good to the one who was not good to you.
