Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

I started to forgive a family member because he angered me a lot. As I began to gain perspective on this person, I realized that he is showing no remorse. Should I stop the forgiving process or not?

Forgiving others is unconditional in that it should not be dependent on what the other person does or says. If you are motivated to forgive, then you should keep going with the forgiveness process. It might not lead to reconciliation, but it could set you free from excessive anger.

At what point does forgiveness become necessary? In other words, I can let a lot of injustices go as I move on or forget about them. How can I tell when I should begin to forgive instead of simply letting things go? And when is it better to act—to defend your rights through justice—than to extend forgiveness?

The word *necessary* has at least two meanings when you ask, “At what point does forgiveness become necessary?” The first connotation focuses on the need to cultivate forgiveness because it is morally right to do so. The term *necessary* has a second meaning that is focused on your health and well-being.

Let us begin with the first issue. Given that forgiveness is a virtue and that practicing it is always beneficial (when balanced with other virtues), it follows that it is good to extend forgiveness whenever you are the target of unfair treatment and whenever you are inspired to do so. Is it required? Yes, if your objective is to develop into a more moral person (for instance, becoming more good and loving). From a societal perspective, is it required—that is, demanded? No, forgiveness is not *necessary* in the sense that you have to extend it or risk punishment. Society does not demand it.

Now we turn to the second definition of *necessary,* which is the situation in which your health might be at risk. It is time to forgive if you are experiencing resentment and intense anger that is beginning to negatively impact your energy levels, focus, and happiness. Is it required? If you want to improve both physical and mental well-being, then, yes, it may be required as the best path forward for this. Forgiveness is the best way to deal with the negative effects that can come after unfair treatment.

Regarding your final question,  you do not have to choose between forgiveness and justice. You can appropriate both at the same time. As you forgive, the way you ask for justice might be gentler than if you approached the person while you are very angry.

If forgiveness is a gradual process when deeply hurt, how can one sustain the effort?

Let us take an analogy. Suppose you start a physical fitness program. How do you sustain it? There are at least three important components. First, you need a strong will to stay on task. Second, you need to see several months down the road so that you can be aware of likely improvements as a motivation to continue. Third, if you have a workout buddy, this person can help you continue going to the gym. It is the same with forgiveness. You need the strong will to persevere. When you see that in the months to come you can be free from challenging resentment, this becomes a strong motivation to continue. Having someone support you on the journey should be helpful, whether it is a friend who stands by you, an author of an effective self-help book, or a mental health professional with experience in Forgiveness Therapy.

Isn’t reconciliation more important than forgiveness because reconciliation draws people back together again? All forgiveness does, if I understand it correctly, is reduce my inner pain. 

You have separated reconciliation and forgiveness, treating them as independent concepts. When people have been hurt in a relationship, forgiveness, as being deliberately merciful and good to the other, greatly assists with the reconciliation process. Without forgiveness, when there is deep hurt in a relationship, reconciliation may be somewhat superficial as the people are guarded and possibly still resentful. Forgiveness and reconciliation are a team.

Why is forgiveness so difficult, especially when deeply hurt by others?

Forgiveness is a moral virtue, as are justice, patience, and kindness, as examples. All moral virtues have at their core the principle of being good to others. For example, in the context of justice, if you contract with a carpenter to build a chair for you, then you pay for this once it is done. You get the chair and the carpenter receives the money. Both are satisfied because both share in the moral good of the event. With forgiveness, one person has behaved without good and the other person, the forgiver, responds deliberately with moral good. It is hard to be good when that goodness is not reciprocal. This is why forgiveness is such a heroic moral virtue. Through one’s own pain, the forgiver offers goodness.