Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
My brother is an angry person. I say that because I have been able to observe him over the years. The frustrating thing is that he suppresses his anger and claims that he is not angry. This leads him, whenever he is treated badly by others, to proclaim that he has no anger and therefore no need to forgive. He then lives with subconscious resentment, and he does not allow himself to be set free through forgiveness. What do you recommend?
The psychological defense of suppression can be difficult to overcome because it tends to hide the actual internal challenges a person faces. Yet, if your brother truly has been mistreated by others and is suppressing his anger, it is not that he has no anger. Instead, he is angry but not acknowledging it. Often, people suppress anger because they fear it. They fear that there is no cure for the anger. I suggest you have some gentle, clear conversations with your brother about forgiveness in general, not focused on him. State the scientific evidence that forgiveness can reduce unhealthy anger if given sufficient time to forgive, with a clear understanding of what forgiveness is. This could lead your brother not to fear the anger and eventually to let down the defense of suppression. A key issue then is to help your brother understand deeply what forgiveness is and is not (he won’t be excusing the other’s behavior) and to provide an empirically supported pathway to forgiveness.
I am interested in your answer to a question I have about “people-pleasers.” Do you think that “people-pleasers” forgive more readily and more deeply than the rest of humanity? I say this because of their high motivation as “people-pleasers” to make others happy.
The answer depends on the motivation inside of anyone who might be considered a “people-pleaser.” If the motivation is an appearance of mercy and generosity without really having such motivations inside, then the answer is no, they are not genuinely forgiving more readily or more deeply. Only if the superficial attributes of “people-pleasing” are gone and a true motivation to help the other is present will forgiveness be accurate. So, if by “people-pleasing” you mean a superficial or even an artificial appearance of forgiveness, then the answer is no, they likely are not forgiving more deeply than other people.
I will be going on vacation for two weeks and will be reading a self-help book on forgiveness. Do you think that two weeks is a sufficient amount of time to forgive one of my parents for abandoning the family when I was seven years old? I am now 26 years old.
Two weeks likely is not a sufficient amount of time to deeply forgive your parent for this. Think of two weeks as a beginning, and this is honorable and important. In other words, you have courageously chosen to walk the path of forgiveness. Be patient with yourself now as you forgive. It may take months to truly reduce any anger or sadness you have and to wish your parent well. Perseverance in the forgiveness process is one key to keep in mind.
Is it selfish of me to forgive others for my own benefit?
There is a significant difference between what forgiveness is and why a person might be motivated to forgive. When you forgive others, you deliberately show some kind of goodness to that person. Therefore, forgiveness in its essence is for the other person. If you want to forgive for your own benefit, this is a consequence of forgiving. If you forgive to feel better, this is not dishonorable. You still are forgiving (in its essence) by being good to the other, and this is not a self-interested or selfish activity. Forgiving, for example, as a consequence of being free from anger, is not selfish either. Further, as you continue to forgive, your motivations may broaden so that your interest is not only self-care but also care for the one who acted unfairly.
Have you ever encountered a situation in which the one who supposedly offended makes the claim that no injustice occurred whatsoever? If so, how would the victims deal with that?
Those who are offended need not seek permission from the one who offended. The ones offended can go ahead unconditionally and forgive whenever they are ready. Further, if the offending person harshly insists that the offended person need not forgive, or even should not forgive, the offended person can go ahead and forgive the offending person, even for this. After all, such insistence may show disrespect and, if so, constitute a moral offense.
