Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
Suppose there are five family members and they have a norm of angry outbursts among these members. Further, suppose that one and only one of these family members learns to forgive and starts applying it directly in the family. Do you think this one person could change the pattern of anger outbursts in the family?
Even one person could alter the norms of angry outbursts in a family, but it likely would take time, especially if the others resist. Yet, even one person who perseveres in forgiveness, discusses it temperately when appropriate, and shows restraint from the outbursts could change the norm. After all, norms occur when most people agree, even unconsciously, on ways of proceeding with one another. This one person’s changed pattern could alter the family pattern, especially when others see the gentleness in the one who forgives and begin to admire the results. So, if you are the one motivated to forgive in the face of the norm of outbursts, I definitely encourage you to do this, and over time.
Can you recommend some reading for me regarding forgiving myself? I am guilty of acting unfairly toward some other people, and I want to unburden myself of this. I want to be sure to forgive myself in an accurate way, and so I do not want to just pick up any reading material with the words “self-forgiveness” in it.
I have a book entitled 8 Keys to Forgiveness. One of those eight keys is a chapter on self-forgiveness. I first go through some controversies about self-forgiveness and argue for its legitimacy. I then lead you through a pathway of self-forgiveness in that chapter.
If forgiveness is being good to those who are not good to the forgiver, then what is the difference between forgiveness and altruism as moral virtues?
Both forgiveness and altruism are centered on generosity toward others. A major Specific Difference (to use an Aristotelian term) between the two is that forgiveness always takes place in the context of being treated unjustly by others. Altruism, in contrast, usually takes place toward others in need who did not act unjustly toward the one who generously gives. As examples, altruism occurs when a person gives funds to a charity or gives some funds to a person without a home.
My brother is an angry person. I say that because I have been able to observe him over the years. The frustrating thing is that he suppresses his anger and claims that he is not angry. This leads him, whenever he is treated badly by others, to proclaim that he has no anger and therefore no need to forgive. He then lives with subconscious resentment, and he does not allow himself to be set free through forgiveness. What do you recommend?
The psychological defense of suppression can be difficult to overcome because it tends to hide the actual internal challenges a person faces. Yet, if your brother truly has been mistreated by others and is suppressing his anger, it is not that he has no anger. Instead, he is angry but not acknowledging it. Often, people suppress anger because they fear it. They fear that there is no cure for the anger. I suggest you have some gentle, clear conversations with your brother about forgiveness in general, not focused on him. State the scientific evidence that forgiveness can reduce unhealthy anger if given sufficient time to forgive, with a clear understanding of what forgiveness is. This could lead your brother not to fear the anger and eventually to let down the defense of suppression. A key issue then is to help your brother understand deeply what forgiveness is and is not (he won’t be excusing the other’s behavior) and to provide an empirically supported pathway to forgiveness.
I am interested in your answer to a question I have about “people-pleasers.” Do you think that “people-pleasers” forgive more readily and more deeply than the rest of humanity? I say this because of their high motivation as “people-pleasers” to make others happy.
The answer depends on the motivation inside of anyone who might be considered a “people-pleaser.” If the motivation is an appearance of mercy and generosity without really having such motivations inside, then the answer is no, they are not genuinely forgiving more readily or more deeply. Only if the superficial attributes of “people-pleasing” are gone and a true motivation to help the other is present will forgiveness be accurate. So, if by “people-pleasing” you mean a superficial or even an artificial appearance of forgiveness, then the answer is no, they likely are not forgiving more deeply than other people.
