Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
Do you think that perpetrating evil can become part of a person’s identity if he practices evil long enough? I am talking about sadistically and deliberately hurting others.
Yes, I think if a person deliberately and consistently decides to hurt others, this can become part of a person’s identity. Let me clarify. This does not necessarily mean that the person sees the self as an “evil person.” Denial can enter the picture, and so the person could end up interpreting the cruelty as “people deserve to be punished, it is good for them.” Yet, even this denial can be part of the person’s identity. Forgiveness can put new meaning and purpose in a person’s life, leading to the free-will decision to put good into the world, including mercy that goes beyond doling out punishment as an end in and of itself.
How can I “bear the pain” when doing so makes me want to throw it back to the one who gave it to me?
Bearing the pain in the forgiveness process does not happen quickly. It usually emerges in our Work Phase after the person has taken time to cognitively see the other as possessing worth as a person, which eventually can lead to even a small amount of compassion toward this other person. Only then do we suggest bearing the pain so that you do not pass it back to the other or displace it onto unsuspecting other people. If you are not ready to bear the pain, try to go back to earlier parts of the forgiveness process and work on your thinking about who the other person is beyond the injustice and your emotional reactions, as they soften.
When people displace their anger onto others, do you think this is primarily unconscious or is it a deliberate and conscious process?
Psychological defenses, such as displacing one’s own discontent onto others, are often unconscious. One goal of traditional psychotherapies is to make this conscious so the person can reduce the displacement. When the imposition of discontent, such as excessive anger, onto others is conscious, this usually involves a deliberate choice to seek revenge. In this case, the one seeking revenge needs to seriously consider forgiveness for the sake of the other and the self. Hanging on to this deep anger can be harmful to both the other and oneself.
If I don’t feel like giving a gift to the one who offended me, does this mean I am failing in the forgiveness process?
No, it does not mean failure. It only means that you have not reached that part of the forgiveness process yet. If you have already done some of the work of forgiving, such as examining an accurate definition of forgiveness, seeing the other person as truly human despite the offense, and beginning to soften your heart toward this person, you definitely have been walking the path of forgiveness.
One reason for educating children about forgiveness is to prepare them for the injustices they will experience in adulthood. I also suppose that a longitudinal study to explore this from childhood to adulthood would take at least 20 years, so it probably hasn’t been done yet. Would this be a worthwhile study?
This would be an amazing study and also a difficult study because, as you say, the researchers would have to wait decades to see the effects of the forgiveness education in adulthood. Yet, for now, this is an important hypothesis. Locating the children when they are adults might be very difficult, especially in conflict zones of the world, where geographic mobility is common. Yet, your idea is a great one worth keeping in mind by researchers.
