Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

When the emotional hurt seems too overwhelming, how can I start the process of forgiving?

Acknowledging the emotional pain and letting yourself feel it often is a first step.  Be careful not to pass negative judgement on yourself when feeling the pain.  For example, refrain from such false judgements as “I must be weak to be feeling this kind of anger and sadness.”  Those feelings are quite normal after betrayal.  Think about the advantages of eventually doing the hard work of forgiving.  As you advance in the process of forgiveness, the anger and sadness likely will lessen, and it is possible that the forgiving could lead to reconciliation with the other person if the behavior changes for the better.  Try to see forgiveness as a process that may need your patience, self-compassion, and in certain situations, professional counseling.

When I was only 8 years old, my father left our family. Now that the pressure is off and I’m an adult attending college, he has changed his mind. I don’t even know him, but he wants to build a relationship with me. Does moving forward with this seem a little phony?

Forgiveness is always possible. You observe your father’s errors. I believe he also sees them. You have every right to be angry. At the same time, if you have mercy on your father and think about forgiving him, you could give him a great gift of mercy and help your own emotional rehabilitation.  You will need courage and a strong will to accomplish this. If and when you’re ready, you’ll know it.

What risks come when attempting to reconcile with someone who has previously shown himself to be unreliable?

Here are three issues for your consideration:

1. You risk being harmed again in the same manner if you make a hasty reconciliation without the other party expressing regret, contrition, or considering recompense.

2. Please remember that reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. Even if you have the deepest forgiveness, you won’t be able to make amends if the other person still poses a threat to you. If you confuse the two, you might feel a mistaken sense of obligation to make amends as you extend forgiveness.

3. False reconciliation can be used as a kind of power game if you are still angry and unwilling to forgive. This involves coming together in a superficial manner and then continuously reminding him how inappropriate he has been and how wonderful you have been. For this reason, a genuine reconciliation is likely to occur only after forgiveness has taken place.

Do you ever find that anyone actually starts the forgiveness process for anything other than the self-interest of feeling better?

First, we have to realize that the self-interest to which you refer is not a selfish process.  As an analogy, if you sprain your ankle and go to a physician for help, this is self-care, not selfishness.  I do find that such self-care is a strong motivation for many people to forgive.  Yet, I also see situations in which people, who have practiced forgiveness for a long time, forgive expressly for the one who acted unfairly.  These forgivers see the depth of forgiveness and want the best for the one who behaved badly.

If forgiveness sets me free from resentment, then isn’t it the case that forgiveness is about me and not about the one who hurt me?

You need to make a distinction between what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes in you.  When you forgive, you are reaching out in mercy toward the one who was unfair to you.  As you forgive well, then one accomplishment in you as forgiver is a reduction in resentment.  That accomplishment is not the same as what forgiveness is.