Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
Can’t people move on without forgiving? Must we insist on forgiveness after injustice?
Because forgiveness is a choice of the one offended, we have to be careful not to impose it on others. We can discuss what forgiveness is and show that it is a path to healing for oneself, possibly for the one who was unjust, and possibly for the relationship. Yet, it is the free-will decision of the one treated badly.
If forgiveness, as you say, is for the other person who acted badly, what can we do to enlighten others about the true nature of forgiveness? It seems to me that most people would fail a test if I asked, “What is forgiving on its highest level?” When I do that, most say it is getting rid of anger or just moving on with one’s life.
We need more opportunities to discuss forgiveness with people. I agree with you regarding the misunderstanding of what forgiveness is by many people. In my experience, people use the word “forgiveness,” but never delve deeply into its meaning. The self-help book, The Forgiving Life, discusses forgiving as love and might prove helpful in deepening the conversation about forgiveness.
Some philosophies emphasize the overcoming of the passions. So, for example, if I go from anger to a neutral emotional stance, then I have conquered the emotion of anger, and it will not hurt me. How is forgiveness different from this?
Forgiveness, while also focusing on the diminishing of anger, does so for a very different reason than what you describe above. In genuine forgiveness, the forgiver reduces anger for the sake of the one who acted unjustly so that this person is not harmed. Even more deeply than this, the forgiver strives, as an important endpoint of forgiveness on its highest level, to offer love (agape love) toward the other. Agape is a special kind of love that is in service to others, even when it is very challenging or even painful to do so. This is done for the other. So, I hope you see that conquering anger for the sake of oneself is not the same as true forgiveness in its essence and on its highest level.
I am not so much furious with the individual who treated me unfairly as I am hurt. Does this mean I don’t have to forgive because I’m not angry?
One reason why we forgive is that psychological damage from long-standing anger is beginning to affect us. As a second reason why we forgive, we do so for the benefit of the other person or to give that person another chance. As a third reason, forgiveness is a moral virtue, and we do this to show respect and even love to the other. You can forgive for points 2 and 3 above. Furthermore, unaddressed hurt can slowly lead to anger which can turn to resentment or even hatred. As a result, you can be stopping the possible emergence of this anger from happening as you forgive.
I’m making an effort to forgive my brother. I had a lot of anger toward him. Regretfully, I let my rage get the better of me, and I need his forgiveness now. What would you recommend?
In close relationships, it’s typical for both parties to need to extend forgiveness to each other. One important thing to remember is that both of you can be on a different level of the forgiveness process. For instance, you might be more than willing to extend forgiveness, but he might not be ready to let go of his anger. In a circumstance like this, I advise you to apologize and extend your deepest forgiveness to him. Then, wait for his readiness to forgive and to ask for forgiveness from you.
