Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I am considering reconciling with a former partner. Can you please give me some advice on what I should keep in mind if I take this idea of reconciliation seriously?
Yes, I have addressed this very question in a Psychology Today essay that you can find here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202104/6-things-consider-reconciling-ex
My former partner has apologized for bad behavior, but it all seems so insincere. Do you think it is okay if I refrain from forgiving under this circumstance? I feel nervous that I may make a wrong decision about getting back together.
I think your issue is centered on reconciliation, or coming back together again in mutual trust, rather than on the issue of forgiveness. You certainly can forgive and, at least for now, not reconcile if the former partner seems insincere toward you. Your nervousness seems to be more connected to reconciling than to forgiving. Forgiving may relieve you from an uncomfortable resentment that might be within you right now. Forgiving also may soften the former partner’s heart and help the person to truly change toward you.
I know that you emphasize unconditional forgiveness, or my forgiving even if the other does not apologize. Yet, I want to hear those three little words, “I am sorry” from her. Does this mean I have not genuinely forgiven?
No, your wanting an apology does not mean that you have not forgiven. Do you wish her well? Do you see her inherent worth, and is your heart softer toward her than before? Have you committed to doing no harm to her? If so, you definitely are forgiving, even if you need to deepen the forgiveness. An apology does help in the forgiveness and reconciliation process, and so your wanting this is reasonable.
Now what am I supposed to do. A friend keeps getting very angry with me over very little things. He asked for forgiveness and I have given it to him. Now, every time he is overly angry and I point it out to him, he keeps reminding me that I have forgiven and so I need to just “stuff it” and stop bringing up his anger. How do I handle this?
Your friend is failing to see that as you forgive, you also are asking for justice. He seems to be using your forgiving against you so that he does not have to change the behavior. I recommend that you point out that forgiveness and justice-seeking are a team. You have forgiven, and now you are gently asking for fairness, for him to change the pattern of communication from anger to respect. If he truly understands the gift of your forgiveness, then he should be ready to try to answer your call for fairness by reducing his angry communication with you.
I have been ghosting a former friend, and, at the same time, I have been forgiving her from my heart. Is ghosting a sign for me that I am not forgiving?
Your ghosting is a sign that you have not completed the forgiveness journey at this point. Ghosting, or choosing to completely ignore a person even when the other tries hard to communicate with you, can be emotionally damaging. Therefore, even though you may be on the road to forgiving in terms of your thoughts and feelings toward your former friend, the ghosting is a sign that you still are extracting revenge to some degree. I would urge you to continue fostering the softness of forgiveness in your mind and heart, and then use these new developments to add behavior to the equation. Try to alter your behavior so that you are showing mercy toward her. If she is behaving in a way that is harmful to you, you need not enter back into the relationship, but you can break the ghosting pattern, for example, by a gentle email that she needs to alter behavior that has been harmful to you.
