Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I am trying to find a quotation that I read in the past from Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was imprisoned in a concentration camp during World War II. Do you know of a quotation by him that focuses on suffering and hope in the future?
Yes, here is a quotation from Dr. Frankl that I have used in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice: “People can’t change the past, but they can change their attitudes toward injustice and suffering.” For Dr. Frankl, finding new meaning when one suffers is important. This can include becoming more sensitive to other people who are suffering. This finding meaning was important to him as a path toward emotional healing.
How do I convey to my partner that forgiveness takes time? When he reads advice on the Internet, he is often faced with advice suggesting that forgiveness can be accomplished quickly, in four or five sessions. From my own experience, this is not true when there is deep hurt. How can I get this through to my partner?
I definitely understand your frustration with the advice that is all over the Internet. As you say, forgiveness takes time. I use the analogy of physical fitness. One does not become physically fit overnight. It takes time and practice. It is the same with forgiveness when a person has not practiced it much and there is deep hurt. I suggest using the analogy of physical fitness with your partner. I also suggest passing the following essay on “quick fix” forgiveness from my Psychology Today blog site to your partner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/202302/be-wary-of-quick-fix-forgiveness
You make the point that angry parents can transfer that anger and suffering onto their unsuspecting children. My own mother was physically abused as a child. She was determined not to pass that to her children and so I can truly say that I was not physically abused as a child. Yet, without meaning to do so, my own dear mother passed temper tantrums to us instead. I think it was an extension of the physical abuse in the form of unresolved anger. I now want to make a commitment not to pass these temper tantrums to my own children. Yet, what if I pass another form of stress to my children, such as repression of anger where I and then they keep their anger bottled up inside, which could lead to depression? How do I avoid this?
Half the battle is to be aware, as you are, that you can pass a form of stress to your children. As you currently are aware, this could be overt and behavioral, such as temper tantrums, or more subtle, as in the form of the psychological defense mechanism of repression. Your being aware of these possibilities is important. The other half of the equation is to commit to behaviorally avoiding the tantrums and cognitively being aware of the possibility of passing unhealthy and sustained psychological defenses to your children. Try to introspect in a temperate way so that you see what is still left over for you from your childhood and then work to avoid establishing patterns, based on the leftover stress, toward your own children.
What is the difference between finding meaning after forgiving and developing a new purpose?
Finding meaning is a cognitive exercise in which the forgiver begins to understand how forgiveness operates within human hearts, families, and communities. As people find new meaning upon forgiving, they tend to be more aware of others’ suffering as well as one’s own suffering. Purpose is the decision and action to do something about these new insights. For example, a new purpose for some people upon forgiving is to assist others to forgive as a way of reducing the suffering caused by people who acted unjustly. Meaning is cognitive and purpose is more behavioral.
If a mental health professional wishes to “get up to speed” with forgiveness therapy, what would you recommend? It is my goal to be a therapist in the future and I am interested in incorporating forgiveness therapy into my practice.
The American Psychological Association published Forgiveness Therapy, a book written for mental health professionals. A course based on that book is available here at our International Forgiveness Institute. The American Psychological Association has also produced two videos of actual forgiveness therapy sessions, which should be helpful to those getting started with forgiveness in their therapeutic practices.
