Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

I don’t want to lose more time with my father. We are not reconciled and I am an adult. He is adamant in not reconciling with me. He keeps claiming that he is right about what happened in the past and I have been wrong. I admit that I did my part to create this tension, but I am not the only one who acted inappropriately. What can you suggest so that we can reconcile?

First, have you forgiven your father for the past difficulties and have you forgiven him for his insistence now that only you behaved badly? After you forgive, you will need to exercise perseverance. By this I mean that you will need to be open to appropriate times for continuing the dialogue about the past with your father. This will take time and a strong will on your part. Look for even small openings from your father’s heart in which he might be seeing, even a little bit, his part in the past difficulties. As you admit your own part in those past difficulties and gently ask him about his own behavior, this may lead to his finally seeing that the challenges were a two-way street. If he does, then a genuine reconciliation may occur.

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I am interested in introducing forgiving into the workplace. Do you have any scientific evidence of the effectiveness of forgiving in the workplace?

Yes, we have a published article and here is the reference to it:

Zhao, C., Enright, R.D., & Klatt, J. (2017). Forgiveness education in the workplace: A new strategy for the management of anger. London Journal of Research in Humanities and Social Sciences, 17, 11-24.

Here is a link to that article:

https://internationalforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Forgiveness-Education-in-the-Workplace-London-Journal-2017.pdf

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Is there such a thing as too much forgiving? If so, what is that like?

Can you be too fair with people? In other words, is there a situation in which the practice of justice can be too much? I do not think so because all of the moral virtues are good and so the practice of the virtues also is good. What you might have in mind is what we call false-forgiveness. In such a case, people, for example, are continually trying to put on a show of their own high virtue and so they are insincere. Also, if someone distorts forgiving by isolating it so that no justice occurs along with forgiveness, then an unhealthy and hasty reconciliation might occur. So, if the forgiving is genuine and is balanced with justice, then there is no such thing as too much forgiving.

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When I start to forgive, I sometimes get so angry that it short-circuits the forgiveness process. What do you recommend in this circumstance?

I would recommend first being aware of the increase in your anger and the degree to which this is happening. Then I would reflect on how the anger itself is compromising you and your health in particular. This can be a motivation to exercise your strong will to continue forgiving. As you continue to persevere in forgiving, then the anger will not be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger. You sometimes may need a break from forgiving and this is all right. Try to refresh and, with your strong will, start the forgiveness process once again.

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How open should I be with my own children about their grandfather’s (my father’s) verbal abuse toward family members when I was growing up? I do want them to have a healthy relationship with their grandfather, but I am feeling a bit uncomfortable hiding the truth from them.

Given that you want the children to have a healthy relationship with their grandfather, it seems to me that he is not guilty of any dangerous behavior (such as physical abuse). In other words, your statement suggests that you can trust your father when he is with your children. If this is correct, then you need not share details of your father’s verbal abuse when you were growing up. If your relationship with him still is strained, and the children notice this, you can briefly state that your father and you are working out some difficulties and not go into detail. Your children need not know those details when there is no present danger to them.

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