Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I have heard that forgiveness is not a moral virtue but instead is a psychological skill in which a person reduces resentment toward an offender. Why do you call it a moral virtue?
All moral virtues are concerned with goodness toward others. For example, justice is to be fair to others. When we forgive, at least on its highest level (whether or not a particular person reaches this level), we are offering kindness, respect, and even love toward those who have been unfair to us as forgivers. Given this willed goodness toward an offending person, this is a quintessential sign of goodness. If forgiveness is only being less resentful toward an offending person, this could be achieved, for example, by seeing that person as so less than human that you feel sorry for this person, thus reducing resentment. This seems too narrow and reductionistic.
I know you say that forgiveness and justice should grow up together, but I still am not convinced. Isn’t it the case that as I forgive and soften myself toward the one who injured me, I become less motivated to do the hard work of justice-seeking? I say this because a little anger in the heart can toughen the heart to move forward with the quest for fairness.
You make a good point that mild and short-term anger can motivate a person to seek fairness. Here is another perspective: As you forgive, you seek the good of the other person who hurt you. Part of this seeking after the other’s good is to assist that person in growing to be a fair person. So, the short-term anger is good for motivating the injured person to stand up for his rights. The longer-term forgiving is good for motivating the injured person to help the other be fair for that other person’s sake.
Can you recommend a film with a theme of forgiveness for my 12-year-old athletic son? He loves sports and has been hurt by his father.
I would recommend the film, Field of Dreams, in which Kevin Costner reconciles with his estranged father at the end of the film. You can use this to discuss with your son the beauty of forgiving his own father, without putting pressure on him to forgive.
Which is the deeper form of forgiving: being respectful of the offending person or trying to love that person?
If by the term love you mean willing the good of that person and then acting on this even when it is painful for you to do so, then love in this sense is much deeper than respect. Respect is highly valued, but it does not cost the forgiver as much struggle and even pain as love in this sense does. You can be respectful from a distance. Love in service to others requires you to enter into that other person’s life to be of help, in this case to aid in leading a better life.
I read recently that people can learn to forgive in as little as 2 or 3 hours. Can Forgiveness Therapy really be that quick?
We have to make a distinction between the hard work of forgiveness in therapy when the person has deep hurts from severe injustices and quick learning about forgiveness. The quick process can be effective when a person is confronting mild injustices from others and comes to such interventions with minimal emotional compromise. The modern norms of finding quick solutions to everything can be an illusion to be avoided. When deeply hurt by others’ cruelty, please be prepared to walk a path of forgiveness that is not quick. This can lead to scientifically supported emotional health gains.
