Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I recently heard the idea that to forgive is to show disrespect toward an unfair person. The point was this: The other needs to be given a chance to repent and change behavior. Forgiveness seems to just wrap up everything, with no chance for the offender to change. What do you think about this criticism?
We actually have given a response to this criticism on this website here:
As you will see, we disagree with the criticism.
You have a number of markers for forgiveness such as the Decision Phase and various aspects in the Work Phase of forgiveness, as examples. What if a person is unsure that she has actually mastered these markers? How can a person know that she has forgiven?
People know, at least in part, that they are successful in forgiving by the internal progress they are making with their hearts, with their level of resentment toward the other person and their level of compassion toward that person. If deep resentment remains, the person could consider revising some of the earlier markers toward which she still has difficulty and work on them again.
As we know, it is common for parents to ask a misbehaving child to “say you are sorry” to the other child. He, the offended one, then is expected to say, “I forgive you.” For minor infractions, do you think this is sufficient, or should parents do more?
Even for minor infractions, it is best to ask the offended child if he is ready to forgive. Let the forgiveness come from the child so that he is drawn to forgiveness rather than feeling pressured into it. If the child needs some time, that is all right. The key is to help children know that they have agency with regard to their willingness and ability to forgive when hurt by others. Even with regard to the offending child, a command to “say you are sorry” may have to await a cooling down period so that this child, too, is drawn to seeking forgiveness rather than feeling pressured into it.
I still don’t understand forgiveness without reconciliation. Don’t some people need reconciliation to complete the forgiveness process?
Reconciliation, in a genuine sense, does bring forgiveness to a more complete end. So, yes, reconciliation is important, but not necessary to have engaged in the moral virtue of forgiving. Why is this the case? To forgive is your choice and your thoughts, feelings, and actions that are independent of the other person. It is important to realize that if the other person refuses to reconcile with you, then you can go in peace knowing that you have done your best. It can be quite freeing to realize that your forgiving in a true and deep sense is not dependent on the actions of others who have hurt you.
If I am gravely hurt by another person, is the forgiveness journey ever truly ended? In other words, might my sadness and anger re-emerge during my life?
Because we are all imperfect, it follows that we are imperfect forgivers. When we are deeply hurt by others, yes, the sadness and anger can re-emerge as you say. Yet, and this is important, as you continue to practice forgiveness, the sadness and anger lessen and your ability to more efficiently and quickly forgive increases. So, over time, the sadness and anger tend to lessen. When they come back, they usually are not as troublesome and you can practice forgiveness again with even better results than when you started. So, I encourage you to have hope as you forgive. Your sadness and anger likely will not dominate you in the future as you persevere with forgiving.
