Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

The tenth of 15 criticisms I see about forgiveness is this: When you proclaim your forgiveness, it only serves to make the one who offended you feel guilty.

To forgive offers a lot more consequences than just having the offending person feel guilty.  As we saw in our point 9, forgiving can heal you, the forgiver, psychologically.  Your forgiving can help to restore a relationship, if the other is amenable to this.  Yes, your proclamation of forgiving may make the other feel guilty and this is a very good thing if the other is guilty of injustice.  The feeling of guilt may aid the person in repenting and therefore changing unjust behavior.

The Clash between Modern Western Culture and the Moral Virtue of Forgiveness

When surfing the Internet I sometimes run into ads for quick weight loss.  Those ads run something like this: A guy, who may be ramped up on steroids, has his shirt off and he eagerly bites into a high calorie meal.  He then says that he has a physical workout regimen that allows him to exercise a few days a week and retain a muscular physique.  The exercise routine, for example, consists of about 5 push-ups, 8 sit-ups, some front lunges, a few jumping jacks, and then hit the showers because you are……..done.

In other ads, there are “before” and “after” photos, with the message that pill X will burn excess stomach cells overnight as you sleep…….and then presto!  You have a new body.

The messages from these ubiquitous ads are these: Physical fitness is easy.  Buy my fitness program or the pills I sell, and you will have gain without the pain.

What makes these ads almost humorous is the contrast between reality and fantasy, between what is needed for physical fitness or weight loss and what is offered.  It is as if the striving and effort and perseverance are no longer necessary.

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Such messages of gain-without-pain now are pervading the Internet for forgiveness.  Take a look for yourself on the Internet.  As you search for ways to forgive you will be met with advice to forgive, for example, in four easy steps.  Learn to forgive in seven easy steps.  Take your pick.  The advice tends to range from about 2 to 9 sessions of psychological techniques…….and then presto!  You have a new outlook on life and toward the one who hurt you.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a few steps to start a physical fitness program, as you get familiar once again with what a push-up is.  In a similar way, there is nothing wrong with a few brief psychological techniques to introduce you to what it may be like to forgive those who hurt you deeply.

Yet, if you want true physical fitness, if you want true and deep forgiving, you will need to have the strong and good will to start, the rationality to know what you are facing, then practice, then persevere, then develop a love of the workout (physical or forgiveness workout) so that you grow in maturity toward either kind of workout.  Both the achievement of physical fitness and forgiveness fitness require the exercise gym and the forgiveness gym, respectively.

When you are deeply hurt by others, when your heart is hurting, there is no such thing as the forgiveness pill.  There is no such thing as the easy way.  When others make you suffer from their unjust treatment, the way out is a different kind of suffering, which is growth in the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness.  This new suffering is very different from the original suffering from unjust treatment because the forgiveness treatment leads to deep healing so that you can move on well with your life.  The suffering from the effects of grave injustice, if you do not address these effects, may never end.  The suffering from working on forgiving eventually ends.  I want you to see the big difference between the two kinds of suffering. Only one of these offers the challenge of a new start in life as you become forgivingly fit.

Let’s hit the forgiveness gym, when deeply hurt by others, and start becoming forgivingly fit.

If I forgive my friend from several years ago, do I have to reconnect and tell him this?

No, you can forgive from your heart and you do not have to let the person know, especially if you already have decided that you will not reconcile.

I was hurt by a friend several years ago.  When I think about forgiving, I know we will never reconcile and so I get lazy about forgiving.  What are your thoughts about this?

If you still are emotionally unsettled because of what happened between you, then you can forgive and it likely will be in your best interest to do so.  Reducing inner discontent is one good reason to offer forgiveness to this person.

If a person’s actions are hurtful but there was no intention to hurt you, is this forgivable? In other words, does a person have to intend to hurt me to qualify for my forgiving?

There are examples of people not intending to hurt you that still are unfair.  Because the actions are unfair, you can forgive, if you so choose.  Here is an example:  Suppose a person is texting on a cell phone while driving a car.  The person goes through a red light, with no intention to do so, and hits your car and your leg now is broken.  Even though this person did not mean to hurt you, the action was such that the person should have been paying more attention.  Thus, this is an injustice, even without an intention to act unjustly.  As an injustice, you can go ahead and forgive.