Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I am in graduate school studying to be a mental health professional. Held in high regard is the issue of insight. The point is to break down the psychological defenses so that the person now is aware of what is causing the anger or the anxiety or the discontent. How does forgiveness compare and contrast to the call for insight?
In our Process Model of Forgiveness, we have four phases. The first phase asks the client, when that client is ready, to see the amount of anger in the heart, caused by other people’s unfairness. There is more to this phase than just this, but my point is that we do make room, lots of room in fact, to explore the psychological defenses and to gradually see how current and persistent anger is connected to unfairness toward the client that might have occurred many years ago. Yet, awareness or what you are calling insight is only the beginning of Forgiveness Therapy. In other words, as a person now sees the depth of anger, what does the person now do to get rid of that anger? We find that insight is not enough. It is in deliberately reaching out to those who acted unfairly with the moral virtue of forgiveness, this has a way of softening the heart and thus reducing the anger to manageable levels. In other words, when deeply hurt by others, the inner trauma is not reduced to an important degree without forgiveness, which the client must freely choose for the self.
When we forgive, do we forgive situation or persons?
If forgiveness is a moral virtue in which we are good to persons who are not good to us, then this is a focus exclusively on persons and not on situations. If you think about it, how can you practice moral goodness toward a situation? You cannot be good to a tornado or to a traffic jam. If persons are responsible for the traffic jam and if they are acting unfairly in some way, then you can forgive those persons, but you do not forgive the situation.
In your most recent response to me, you said that when my partner asks me to forgive and to just forget all about his behavior, he is asking me to acquiesce or just give in to his nonsense. If forgiveness is not acquiescence, then what, exactly is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you willing choose to get rid of resentment toward an unjustly acting person and to offer as best you can goodness toward that person. The goodness can take the form of kindness, respect, generosity, and even moral love.
FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT
Over the past 20 years, Joe Daguanno has climbed the corporate ladder at the Mid-West Family of Companies to become Chief Profit Strategist – Partner. That means he is a media, branding, and advertising professional who excels at revenue generation. He’s also a pretty good, and consistent, blogger.
What’s up in the Cosmos? is the title of Daguanno’s personal blog that he has been writing for the past dozen years. His recent Dec. 20 blog post was titled “The Gift of Forgiveness.” Here’s a brief excerpt:
Joe Daguanno, Chief Profit Strategist – Partner, Mid-West Family of Companies
Forgiveness is a gift. It’s love. It’s generosity. It’s mercy.
As we give this gift, we heal.
Holding a grudge acts like a tourniquet to the flow of healing. It closes the heart and the wounds remain open.
Real forgiveness takes strength. It takes courage. It takes honesty. It takes time.
But it’s worth it.
So very much.
Daguanno’s depth of perception about forgiveness developed several years ago when he met Dr. Robert Enright, forgiveness research pioneer and founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI). That encounter led Daguanno to spearhead development of a series of public service announcements that were broadcast hundreds of time on Wisconsin Public Radio and by numerous commercial radio stations throughout the Midwest—all at no cost to the IFI.
As his title references, Daguanno is a partner in Mid-West Family of Companies—an alliance of more than 40 radio stations covering 8 separate geographic markets–all assembled by the late Dr. William Walker and his son Thomas Walker. Dr. Walker co-founded the IFI along with Dr. Enright in 1995. Thomas Walker continues to provide the IFI with both financial and hands-on support through the Walker Family Trust.
Read Daguanno’s full Dec. 20 blog: “The Gift of Forgiveness.”
Consider Giving the Gift of Forgiveness This Year
In the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness. The ideas that forgiving is a gift to those who have hurt you sometimes gets forgiveness into trouble. In other words, people think it is irrational to consider offering a gift to those who are unfair. The typical reasons for this resistance to forgiveness as gift-giving are these:
- It is dangerous to reach out to those who act unfairly because I am open to further abuse.
- My gift-giving might be a signal to the misbehaving others that their actions are acceptable, which they are not.
- Gift-giving to those who acted unfairly seems counter-intuitive to my own healing. I need to move on and not focus on this other person.
The ideas above can be countered this way: With regard to (A), you do not necessarily have to reconcile with an unrepentant person who keeps harming you. You can give your gift from a distance, such as a kind word about the person to others or an email so that you can keep your distance if this is prudent to do so. With regard to (B), you can forgive and ask for justice. Forgiving never means that the other just goes ahead as usual with hurtful behaviors. In other words, if you decide to forgive, you can and should ask for fairness from the other person. With regard to (C), forgiveness will seem counter-intuitive as goodness to those who are not good to you only if your focus is entirely on justice or a fair solution to the problem. If you begin to see that mercy (in the form of forgiving) and justice can and should exist side-by-side, then perhaps this idea of forgiveness as a contradiction or as inappropriate or as somehow odd may lessen in you.
Forgiveness can be a gift in these ways:
- As you forgive, you are giving the other person a second chance at a trustworthy relationship with you. Of course, trust takes time to develop, but forgiveness opens the door, even if a little, to trying the trust-route with the other who behaved unjustly.
- Forgiveness can be a merciful way of showing the other what the injustice actually is (or was), making possible positive change in the other. Those who behave badly and are offered this mercy may begin to see the unfairness more clearly and have the inner conviction that change indeed is necessary.
- Forgiveness can be a gift to yourself as you shed abiding anger that could have been yours for many years. You have a second-chance at stronger mental health.
- As you reduce toxic anger, this actually can be an aid in strengthening your relationships with people who were not the ones who acted badly. After all, when people carry around a lot of anger in their hearts, they can displace that anger onto unsuspecting others. Your forgiving one person, then, can be a gift to others who do not have to endure your displaced anger.
So, then, what do you think? Do you see that in the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness?
