Tagged: “family”
About a year ago, my wife did something that hurt me very deeply. She has not apologized and does not feel responsible because her actions lacked the intention to cause pain. I don’t wish her any ill will, nor do I want to hurt her back. While I believe I can forgive her, even without an apology, is it inconsistent with the notion of forgiveness that I feel she cannot remain my wife if she will not take responsibility for her part in my suffering?
Yes, it is inconsistent to both forgive your wife and to consider leaving her for the hurt she caused you, especially when her action appears to be a one-time act that was not repeated. To put in perspective what I am saying, I think you may have a good case against your marriage if: a) she showed a pattern before marriage that made it impossible for her to be a wife to you; b) she continued this pattern that is so extreme that she was not a wife to you during the marriage, and c) it appears, from the counsel you receive from competently wise people, that she does not have the capacity for the future to truly be a wife to you.
Perhaps you both need to sit down and revisit the hurtful event from a year ago. She says that she never intended to hurt you. Sometimes, intentions that are not directed toward the unjust and cruel nonetheless are morally wrong. Here is an example: A person at a party knows that she will be driving. Yet, she drinks and then drinks to excess. She gets behind the wheel of the car, drives, crashes into another car, and breaks the leg of the other driver. She did not intend wrong. She tried to be careful even though she had too much alcohol in her. The act itself was negligent even though there was no intent to break another person’s leg. It was negligent precisely because the consequences of driving under the influence can be dire even with the best of intentions.
Does your wife see this: one can act unjustly even with intentions that are not leaning toward doing something unjust? Do you see this: Her actions, though hurtful to you, may not have been unjust? Try to have a civil dialogue about these issues. And continue to deepen your forgiveness and to see that your avowed commitment to your wife is far deeper than one even enormous hurt that she inflicted on you.
If you could recommend one book on forgiveness for me to read as I try now to heal from a very contentious divorce, what book would that be?
In the context of your “very contentious divorce,” I would recommend my book, The Forgiving Life, because it involves a Socratic dialogue between Sophia and Inez regarding a marital conflict that Inez is experiencing. The issues in the dialogue might give you insights into your own emotional-healing process. I wish you the very best in your courageous journey of healing.
How to Help People in Ukraine Right Now
When Russian President Vladimir Putin met with French President Emmanuel Macron at the Kremlin earlier this month, Mr. Putin recited a crude Russian joke about Sleeping Beauty. Comparing the fairy tale princess to Ukraine, he said, “Whether you like it or not my beauty, you will need to put up with all I do to you.”
When he later was told about the malicious remark, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky responded to Mr. Putin by saying, “Ukraine is indeed a beauty but she’s not yours.” (Source: Time Magazine)
As the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues, people around the world are seeking ways to help those in Ukraine being impacted by the destruction and those fleeing the country to try to stay alive. An article in yesterday’s online Time Magazine provides some real possibilities.
The article is titled “Here’s What You Can Do to Help People in Ukraine Right Now.” It outlines simple steps anyone can take to help, provides links to several international aid organizations, and lists half a dozen Ukrainian and US nonprofits that are providing humanitarian aid to Ukraine.
Read more:
Forgiveness as a Missing Piece to Peace Between Ukraine and Russia, (Dr. Enright’s latest blog in Psychology Today)
Another list of Ukraine aid organizations (PBS radio station KQED, California)
Photographs of Ukraine Under Attack (Time Magazine)
The Ukraine Invasion – Explained (NPR)
Mapping and Tracking Russia’s Invasion of Ukraine (USA Today)
I have a 17-year-old son who is challenging me a lot. I forgive. He talks back. I forgive again. He is disrespectful again. I forgive again and again. It is hard. Help!
I say this to those who are in relationships in which one needs to maintain the relationship: Forgiveness under this circumstance becomes more difficult, but all the more necessary. As you forgive, and your anger lessens, at that point try approaching your son and talk gently (as well as firmly) about his disrespectful behavior to you. Also, and this is very important, try to uncover any anger your child may be carrying inside his heart that he needs to examine. He may need to forgive people who have hurt him. He may be displacing that anger onto you. If you focus only on changing his behavior from disrespectful to respectful, you might miss his damaged heart in need of forgiving those who broke his heart.
I wanted to share an experience with you and get your insights. I have been practicing forgiveness lately, particularly toward one of my parents when I was a child. This past weekend, I was at a family function and a cousin said that I did not belong there. Usually, this would make me enraged, but this time, it did not deeply affect me. Yes, I was angry, but I was able to stay. Why do you think this unusual behavior by me occurred this weekend?
I think you are learning to forgive in a more generalized way than only applying forgiveness toward one of your parents for what happened when you were a child. In other words, your practice of forgiving is generalizing to others, and this is a sign of maturing in the practice of forgiving. Aristotle said that a mark of maturing in the moral virtues is to develop a love of those virtues. Do you think this is happening to you, in that you are developing a love of forgiveness? If so, then it is understandable that you may have been applying the moral virtue of forgiving toward your cousin who insulted you. If that is the case, then you likely, in the future, will begin to forgive more and more people when they are unjust to you.
