Tagged: “family”
How can forgiveness fit into contemporary society, such as schooling?
Parents can use teachable moments when watching films or reading stories. We have forgiveness education in schools in over 30 countries. Books on forgiveness, magazine articles, newspaper articles on forgiveness can engender a curiosity about what forgiveness is and is not. A key issue is to begin conversations deliberately focused on the moral virtue of forgiveness. I have observed that such deliberate conversations are rare. It is my hope that they become more common in families, schools, workplaces, and other areas of communities.
How can our students accept the spirit of forgiveness when violence is rampant in their family?
Students need to be taught that as one forgives, then seeking fairness also is necessary in certain contexts such as violence. Do not let one virtue (forgiveness) emerge without the other (justice) when there is danger. Just because certain people are unjust does not mean that now I as a forgiver am blocked from being a moral person who practices the other virtues such as courage and justice. It is hard to forgive a violent parent, but the alternative (hate) is a much harder condition with which to live for the growing child or for an adult-child who suffers the effects of that violence many years later.
I adhere to family systems theory, which has as a major premise that one person’s actions can affect all other individuals in the family system. My question for you is this: Suppose that we have a family in which people are constantly blaming one another, taking their own frustrations out onto others in the family. If one person in a family begins to consistently and deeply practice forgiving, might this spread to the entire family, or would the others still be entrenched in blaming behavior?
I think it depends on how strongly and consistently the one who forgives is exhibiting this compared with the strength and consistency of the others’ blaming and displacing behaviors. It could be the case, for example, that if those in authority in the family start the forgiving pattern, then this could spread quickly to all others in the family. On the other hand, if the youngest child in the family, a 16-year-old, begins forgiveness patterns, this still could spread to the others, but it could take more time and persistence in the forgiving. Yet, each act of mercy and forgiveness could be setting the stage for major transformations in family patterns of interacting.
For additional information, see Family Forgiveness Guidelines.
I read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, and it became a revelation to me just how angry I have been toward my mother when I was growing up. Is this common, to be angry, to be aware of the anger, but not have a clue about the depth of that anger?
Yes, it is common because of the psychological defense mechanisms of denial, suppression, and repression. These defenses are not problematic if they keep unpleasant issues from us when we are not ready for the full brunt of those issues. The defenses can get in the way of emotional healing when they prevent us from seeing the truth: I have been treated unfairly and I am angry about this. So, in the short run, the psychological defenses can protect us from being overwhelmed. In the long-run, slowly becoming aware of the depth of anger is a first step to healing from the effects of serious injustices.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
My husband is hesitant to forgive because he says he does not want to act as if the problem (with his brother) never happened. Do you have some advice for me?
It may help if your husband realizes that forgiveness and justice exist together. One can and should seek justice, and in my view, the quest for justice works well once a person already has forgiven. At the same time, once people forgive, they do not want to keep bringing up what happened. There is a tendency toward moving on. Thus, your husband, if he forgives, will not want to keep bringing up the injustice and, in all likelihood, he will want to leave it in the past.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
