Tagged: “forgive”
Recently, one of my high school students approached me and said this, “I am kind of ambivalent about forgiveness. If I forgive, some of the other students seem to think that I am a weakling.” I was not sure how to answer this. Do you have some insights for me?
The student is confusing forgiveness with giving in to others’ demands. This is not forgiveness. To forgive is to know that what the other person did is wrong and yet mercy is offered nonetheless. When one forgives, one also asks for justice and so this idea of weakness or giving in is not correct. There are two basic ways of distorting forgiveness: to let the other have power over you or to seek power over the other because of that person’s transgressions. True forgiveness avoids these extremes.
If you could recommend one book on forgiveness for me to read as I try now to heal from a very contentious divorce, what book would that be?
In the context of your “very contentious divorce,” I would recommend my book, The Forgiving Life, because it involves a Socratic dialogue between Sophia and Inez regarding a marital conflict that Inez is experiencing. The issues in the dialogue might give you insights into your own emotional-healing process. I wish you the very best in your courageous journey of healing.
I have a 17-year-old son who is challenging me a lot. I forgive. He talks back. I forgive again. He is disrespectful again. I forgive again and again. It is hard. Help!
I say this to those who are in relationships in which one needs to maintain the relationship: Forgiveness under this circumstance becomes more difficult, but all the more necessary. As you forgive, and your anger lessens, at that point try approaching your son and talk gently (as well as firmly) about his disrespectful behavior to you. Also, and this is very important, try to uncover any anger your child may be carrying inside his heart that he needs to examine. He may need to forgive people who have hurt him. He may be displacing that anger onto you. If you focus only on changing his behavior from disrespectful to respectful, you might miss his damaged heart in need of forgiving those who broke his heart.
I sometimes find it hard to accept forgiveness from others when I have done wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable, even embarrassed. Can you give me some insights into my resistance to others’ forgiving me?
This may be an issue of pride for you. I say this because you say that you feel embarrassed. In other words, the other’s forgiving you brings to the surface again your unjust actions. This is not uncommon and so please be gentle with yourself. It takes the moral virtue of humility to acknowledge wrongdoing and to accept the other person’s mercy. The fact that you even asked this question shows that you are open to the practice of this humility.
How can I encourage others to forgive without over-stepping my bounds?
I like your word “encourage” because it suggests that you will not pressure others to forgive. The gist is to help others to be drawn to the beauty of forgiveness. In other words, the person will have to see that to forgive is not to show weakness or to cave in to others’ unreasonable demands. To forgive is to see the humanity in the other and in the self, without coercion to think this way. If the other begins to see forgiveness in its true light, then over time the person may be drawn to forgiving, as a free-will choice.
