Tagged: “forgive”

Why is it important to use stories when working with primary school children on the theme of forgiveness?

The use of stories helps young students see how story characters work though conflict without putting any pressure on the students to start forgiving others.  After all, forgiveness education is not forgiveness therapy and so class instruction in schools needs to start with understanding what forgiveness is, what it is not, how people go about it, and what happens when people forgive.  If students are then drawn to the beauty of forgiveness, it is their choice to do so in the classroom and on the playground when other students behave unfairly.

I am kind of confused by your call for taking the perspective of the one who wounded me.  If I “step inside the shoes” of this person by inducing empathy, might this lead to my justifying this person’s behavior?  Aren’t I just giving this person a “way out” by such an approach?

Actually, no, this approach should not lead to you excusing the other person’s behavior.  This is the case because, in our Process Model of Forgiveness, we start by seeing the other person’s injustice and we label that injustice as wrong.  So, when we take the other’s perspective, we are doing this as we acknowledge that what the other did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong.  If we did not do that, then yes, there could be a misunderstanding by the forgiver that what the other did was not so bad under the circumstances.  This is why it is very important, early in forgiving, to label the injustice as unfair and explain to the forgiver that forgiveness does not include an excusing of this behavior.  Our response in forgiving is to change our view of the person without changing the understanding of what happened to us.

Upon reflection, I realize that I have a long list of people I need to forgive, spanning from my early years to the present day of my adult life. Everything looks so overwhelming. Who should I start with, and why? How do I organize myself while forgiving in this way?

This is a typical and significant inquiry. It is important since it is challenging to arrange all of these details. I walk you through this process of organizing in the way you want in my book, The Forgiving Life, especially in Chapters 8 and 9.

Here is a summary of those chapters: Make a list of all the family members who have harmed you. Make a list of all the instances in which they treated you unjustly. Next go on to experiences with classmates during elementary school, then adolescence, and finally adulthood with relationships and employment. As accurately as you can, enumerate every instance of significant injustice.

Start with your family of origin (where you grew up) as that is where your personal behavioral pattern may have been formed. It is not advisable for you to start forgiving the one person for the one thing that you found most difficult. Before going up the hurt-scale to the one person and one event that hurt you the most, start small and practice forgiveness. Next, proceed to schooling or your peer group, depending on which one most needs your forgiveness, and repeat the same process. Work up to the bigger problems by starting with the smaller ones. You will eventually reach a point in time when you might need to extend forgiveness to a spouse or other close relative who have deeply hurt you. Because of all of your previous forgiveness work, you will already be strengthened, so this new task won’t be as difficult as it could have been if you hadn’t first developed your capacity for forgiveness by forgiving other people for lesser injustices.

The Two A’s of Forgiving: Awareness Before Action

What precisely are you doing and not doing when you begin to forgive someone for something this person has done to you? I think the most basic problem is this: defining forgiveness before we actually practice it.

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Some would argue that you are acting weakly because only the weak are able to forgive; the strong always win out, much likeNietzsche proclaimed in the late 19th century. Some would argue that returning to an unhealthy situation exposes you to abuse, but this confuses reconciliation and forgiveness. Even if you are disregarding the person who treated you unfairly, some would argue that you are moving on by “forgiving.” Not one of these truly conveys what forgiveness actually is.

Goodness toward those who have treated us unfairly is what forgiveness is. This goodness can take the form of giving up resentment, showing mercy and compassion, and even showing agape love (though this love may take some time to develop and small steps toward it may be necessary). See the reference below for more information on agape love.  Most of the time, when people argue about forgiveness, the main point of contention is usually its definition.  If the definition is incomplete or wrong, then the process of going about forgiving someone who offended may be distorted. Awareness before action is the key to beginning forgiveness well.

Enright, R.D., Wang Xu, J., Rapp, H., Evans, M., & Song, J. (2022). The philosophy and social science of agape love. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 42(4), 220–237. https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000202

Is it accurate to say, “Forgive and forget”? When we forgive, do we forget?

We do not experience moral amnesia, erasing our most profound hurts, when we forgive someone for a significant injustice. No, instead we remember the deep wounds inflicted upon us, in case they recur. I believe that rather than forgetting, we remember in novel ways. When we look back, we see a wounded person rather than a villain who wronged us. We perceive that we have strengthened as a result of the event rather than being crushed by it. We recall with even more love, compassion, and gentleness.