Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”

If someone is unable to forgive, would you consider that to be a weakness in his character?

It takes time to become proficient in any virtue, according to both Thomas Aquinas and Aristotle. Put another way, we develop into more courageous, forgiving, fair, or kind people. As a result, we all have a particular “character weakness” since we are constantly in the process of being more and more perfected in forgiving.

What does it mean to become “more perfected”? As we repeatedly exercise forgiveness and develop as forgivers, we:

1) gain a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is and is not;

2) are more inclined to put it into practice even in the face of severe pain brought on by major injustices;

3) proceed more easily through the process; and

4) finish the process more fully so that, after forgiving one person and one incident, we feel less bitterness and more compassion.

Finally, let me say this: we should be understanding of others who find it difficult to forgive since we are all at different stages of the forgiveness process. A person’s current struggles do not indicate a lack of moral character. Alternatively, it could imply that this person is developing in virtue and is encountering a challenge on this particular journey. This does not imply that the person will experience difficulties with a different person or situation tomorrow. We are all growing in our perfection of this virtue.

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Aside from compliments and “nice job,” what true satisfaction can you get from forgiving someone? I feel like I’m playing this kind of game.

I concur that forgiveness can lead to a sense of fulfillment. I concur that receiving affirmation from others is not the main source of satisfaction when it comes to forgiving. I disagree that receiving affirmation from others is the sole benefit of forgiveness. Forgiving others is primarily about showing love to people—especially to those who have wronged us. I find that practicing this love and then realizing that it is stronger than any injustice that comes our way is incredibly fulfilling.

I concur that forgiving someone can lead to satisfaction. I concur that receiving affirmation from others is not the main source of satisfaction when it comes to forgiving. I disagree that receiving affirmation from others is the only thing that comes with forgiving someone. Being able to love others—especially those who have wronged us—is the main reward for forgiving. I think it is incredibly fulfilling to put this love into practice and then to know that it outweighs any injustice that may come our way.

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When I forgive someone, I discover that my anger is never truly over. In other words, I can wake up weeks later and feel the same level of anger. This is starting to get depressing. How can I let go of my anger so that it doesn’t come back?

We all forgive imperfectly because we are imperfect human beings. After experiencing severe hurt, we can have our anger lessen, but occasionally it flares up again when we are reminded of the offending party and the unfair event. Please understand that this is normal. I want to encourage you by telling you that people tell me that when they practice forgiveness, the anger returns, but it comes back milder than before. When you revisit forgiveness toward someone you have already forgiven, you might notice that the process goes more quickly and thoroughly than it did the last time around as you continue to practice forgiveness toward new people and new injustices. Welcome to the group of flawed individuals, then. When the anger flares up again, go back to forgiveness.  By doing this, you’ll take charge of your anger instead of letting it control you.

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To be honest with you, I fear my anger, even though I know that in order to forgive, I must face my anger toward the person who wronged me. Because the person who hurt me was so cruel, repeatedly, I’m afraid I might lose control. I dislike being afraid of myself. Please assist me in getting over this.

First of all, you should acknowledge one very positive thing: you know that you are furious. Some people try to hide how angry they are, which makes it harder to let go of the anger. Ultimately, if you are diminishing the anger, how can you lessen it? What should you do if you have a deep cut on your arm and you’re worried about getting an infection? Your fear is impeding healing if it hinders you to the point where you are unable to clean the wound and apply an antibiotic. Anger and injustices work similarly. More often than not, the issue is not anger itself, but rather fear of anger.

Please remember that forgiveness is a kind of antiseptic, a kind of cleansing agent that you do have against toxic anger. You will notice that the anger lessens as you continue to practice forgiveness. You have forgiveness to support you once more, even if the anger reappears. As your forgiveness improves through practice, you’ll find that you have less fear of your bad feelings because you’ll have a potent remedy for them. Savor the purifying effects of forgiveness.

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Why is it important to use stories when working with primary school children on the theme of forgiveness?

The use of stories helps young students see how story characters work though conflict without putting any pressure on the students to start forgiving others.  After all, forgiveness education is not forgiveness therapy and so class instruction in schools needs to start with understanding what forgiveness is, what it is not, how people go about it, and what happens when people forgive.  If students are then drawn to the beauty of forgiveness, it is their choice to do so in the classroom and on the playground when other students behave unfairly.

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