Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”
Dr. Enright Featured in the Wisconsin State Journal Newspaper
Dr. Robert Enright
The Wisconsin State Journal newspaper has a regular column entitled, Know Your Madisonian. On Saturday, October 21,2023 Dr. Robert Enright was the featured guest in that column, which was a “top story, editor’s pick” that day. The reporter, David Wahlberg, stated that Dr. Enright’s basic approach to forgiveness in world conflict zones is that “forgiveness begins at home.” In other words, when groups have been in conflict for a long time, it is best not to start peace dialogues with forgiveness, but instead to first grow in this moral virtue by practicing forgiveness in the everyday annoyances of one’s own home and community. Because forgiveness is difficult and takes time, he recommends practice and then more practice first with loved ones in the give and take of family and local community life. This helps people to grow in the moral virtue of forgiveness. Once they become more “forgivingly fit,” then people may be more receptive to the idea of group-to-group forgiving. If both sides can bring a mature perspective of forgiveness to the peace table, then the dialogue is less likely to include wounded hearts that are filled with resentment or even hatred.
I’ve gone through the process of forgiveness with a fellow employee at work. Yet, I do not feel that I have fully forgiven. In other words, I still have some anger. Does this mean I have not forgiven? What do I do in this case?
When we forgive, our anger does not necessarily go away entirely. You do suggest in your question that your anger has gone down, which is a sign that you are doing well in the forgiveness process. If you are motivated to do so, you can start once again with this person and continue to forgive. We sometimes have to do this when deeply hurt by others.
Is there anything the one who is forgiven owes the one who was harmed and who extended forgiveness?
Yes, the one who offended can attempt to offer apologies if the person who is forgiven is aware of the wrongdoing. Reconciliation can be facilitated by an apology and an effort to correct the wrongs.
Sometimes the forgiven perceives no wrong in the behavior and believes the forgiver is exaggerating. In this scenario, the one who has been forgiven may nevertheless express regret by saying, “I’m sorry my actions hurt you,” as a show of goodwill rather than by acknowledging guilt that does not exist.
How do you go about forgiving a person who hurts you over and over and shows no remorse?
As you imply, it does become harder for most people to forgive those who hurt them over and over. Yet, it is important to do so, if you choose to forgive, because you then can be healed of the inner discontent and perhaps deep anger. You are free to forgive unconditionally, regardless or whether or not the person shows remorse. Forgiveness is up to you and should not be contingent on the other uttering three words: “I am sorry.”
I refuse to forgive any of the mass murderers of the 20th century. It seems foolhardy to do so. Therefore, forgiving can be foolhardy. What do you think?
It is a moral virtue to forgive. All moral virtues are good, including kindness, patience, fairness, and love-in-service-of-others. Forgiveness is thus a positive response to injustice. Being kind and loving is not foolish. It follows that forgiving cannot be foolishness as it is a component of goodness.
Having said that, I do think there are situations when you might not be ready to forgive someone for unfair behavior. You are not a bad person because of this. Justice and forgiveness are not the same thing. Some kinds of justice are so vital that the state has codified them into laws—don’t murder, for instance. There is no law requiring forgiveness because it is up to the individual to decide whether or not to extend forgiveness to someone for an unfair deed. Therefore, you are free to choose not to forgive “the mass murderers of the 20th century” and carry on being a decent person in spite of the suffering they has caused you (and they can continue inflicting suffering on those who are still directly or indirectly affected by them).
