Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”
I have forgiven a co-worker for unjust behavior, but I now am having a hard time trusting her. I know from your writings that trust is different from forgiveness. Can you give me some advice on how to increase my trust now that I have forgiven the co-worker?
You are correct that forgiveness differs from trust. The latter, when focused on a particular person rather than an overall trust of people in general, concerns reconciliation. I discuss the nuances of trust toward the other person when reconciliation is being initiated in the following essay at the Psychology Today website, in January 2026:
have a complicated situation. My father left our family when I was a child. Once I was grown, he came to me, asking for my forgiveness. I was angry and refused to forgive. Now I am feeling badly about that. Should I ask my father to forgive me for my insensitive treatment toward him when he humbly asked for forgiveness?
You were not ready to forgive your father, and now it seems that you are. Please forgive your father first, if you have not done so. Then go to him and ask for his forgiveness. Please be patient with him because he may be hurt by your earlier refusal. Also, please consider forgiving yourself for not forgiving him earlier. Please be gentle with yourself on this. After all, the hurt you suffered from your father is deep, and you needed time to sort it all out.
Is it possible to actually become a forgiving person?
Here is an excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, reflecting on this very question:
“I hope you are beginning to see that forgiveness is not only something you do, nor is it just a feeling or a thought inside you. It pervades your very being. Forgiveness, in other words, might become a part of your identity, a part of who you are as a person. Try this thought on for size to see if it fits: I am a forgiving person. Did that hurt or feel strange? Try it again. Of course, to say something like this and then to live your life this way will take plenty of practice. Part of that practice is to get to know the entire process of forgiveness.”
Excerpt (page 79) from the book,The Forgiving Life by Dr. Robert Enright, Ph.D.
If I practice forgiveness, can I actually improve in forgiveness by getting better at it? If so, what are some hallmarks of forgiveness improvement?
Forgiveness is not a superficial action (such as saying, “It’s ok” when someone is unfair to you). Instead, it is a moral virtue, as is justice and kindness and love. Aristotle told us over 3,500 years ago that one challenge in life is to become more perfected in the virtues. In other words, we do grow more proficient in our understanding and expression of the virtues, but only if we practice them. It is a struggle to grow in any virtue, including forgiveness. So, first be aware that you can grow in this virtue. Then be willing to practice it, with the goal of maturing in love, which is what forgiveness is (loving those who are unkind to us). You need a strong will to keep persevering in the struggle to grow in forgiveness. In sum, you need: understanding of what forgiveness is, practice, a strong will, and keeping your eye fixed on the goal of improving in love a little more each day.
I need some help in understanding what you mean by “bearing the pain” as part of the Work Phase of forgiveness. For example, do I reinterpret the pain as not so bad? Would you please elaborate on this for me? Thank you in advance.
When we use the term “bearing the pain,” we do not think that it has to include a re-interpretation of the pain in its initial stages. The key is this: a) realize that you are in pain; b) realize how much pain you are in; c) be willing to stand with that pain no matter what. In other words, you are accepting what is happening to you so that you do not deliberately or unwittingly give that pain to others.
Later in the forgiveness process you will begin to see new meaning for your life as you bear the pain. You see that you are growing stronger. You see that you can overcome tremendous pain. You see that you can be a conduit of good for others. These new meanings take time to emerge. A first step is to accept the pain as it is and through the process of forgiveness this pain starts to diminish and then leave.
