Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”
I understand that part of the definition of forgiving someone is to have compassion on that person. If I feel no compassion for this person, does this mean that I am not actually forgiving?
We have to make an important distinction between what forgiveness is in its fullness (what Aristotle would call the Essence of forgiveness) and how we practically and with imperfection forgive. If you have the motivation to forgive, if you are making a commitment to do no harm to the person, and if you are striving to reduce excessive anger, you are on the forgiveness path. Yes, there is still room for growth in forgiveness, but as Aristotle reminds us, we are all imperfect forgivers. You do not have to complete all aspects of the definition of what deep, genuine forgiveness is to be forgiving. As an analogy, if you try to become physically fit, you do not need to run a marathon your first month in this process to say that this is the only way to be physical fitness. It is similar with forgiveness. We are on a challenging pathway and we do not reach its heights easily or quickly when deeply hurt by others.
Is it possible that certain injustices are so serious that the hurts never really heal in those who forgive?
It is possible that some residual anger or disappointment or sadness may remain in the forgiver, but if this person has taken the time and patience to truly forgive, then that anger, disappointment, or sadness will not dominate the person. As one forgiver once said to me, “I was very angry with the one who hurt me, but now I am in control of the anger rather than the anger controlling me.”
I think that to forgive is dangerous because you are sweeping wrongdoing under the rug. It is a synonym for excusing bad behavior. How would you respond to this?
When we forgive, we try to see the other person as a person of worth, not because of the wrongdoing, but in spite of this. When we forgive, we separate the person and the action. We accept the other as a worthy person, but we do not accept the unjust action. That action was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. So, we do not excuse the behavior, but instead have a change of heart toward the person.
To me, forgiveness is a sign of smug superiority. I can say, “I forgive you……see how moral I am and how immoral you are?” What do you think?
This is an example of false forgiveness. As the philosopher, Joanna North, says, when we forgive, we lower ourselves in humility so that the other and we as forgivers are seen as both people of worth. This certainly is not smugness.
Regarding my earlier question about people just doing the best that they can, might the environment play a big part in a person’s bad behavior? For example, let us suppose a person who grows up in poverty, oppressed, and hated by others. This fills him with dread and hatred. When he then acts badly (let us say he murders an innocent person), is he truly responsible for this misbehavior, given how the environment has beaten him down?
Your thinking is too narrow, what philosophers call reductionistic, by looking exclusively at the environment. I do not disagree that the environment played a part, even a large part, in this person’s rage. Yet, is there now one and only one response that can be made: murder? No. This person has many options including seeking therapy, talking with family members, approaching the person at whom he may be furious, and if a person of faith, he could pray for temperance and restraint. The environment does not automatically pull a string requiring hurtful behavior. He still has his free will to choose his responses to the environmental repression.
