Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”

‘Tis the Season: The 17 Podcasts of Forgiveness

December is often referred to, particularly in song, as “the most wonderful time of the year.” Soon there will be 17 more items to add to that list of reasons why this time of the year is so special—17 new podcasts focusing on how forgiveness can enhance your holidays and your life.

The “17 Days of Forgiveness” podcast series is a joint venture between forgiveness forerunner Dr. Robert Enright, co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI), and Dr. Alexandra Miller Clark, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist in New Jersey whose upbeat podcast program “Psychology America,” has taken the Internet world by storm.

“This new series is groundbreaking because each of the 17 podcasts focuses on just one element of the forgiveness process,” Dr. Alexandra explains. “That enables us to produce what I call ‘super brief episodes’ that are each between five and ten minutes in length.”

In the first program released on Dec. 1, for example,  Dr. Alexandra asks just one question: “What is the definition of forgiveness?”  Dr. Enright provides a complete yet succinct answer in less than five minutes of podcast time.

In the second episode of the series, Dr. Alexandra asks: “What are the benefits of forgiveness?” Dr. Enright’s response, less than nine minutes in length, summarizes decades of scientific research documenting the physical and emotional benefits of forgiveness.

The remaining episodes include:

  3. What are the two paradoxes of forgiveness?
  4. Does forgiveness have to be about religion?
  5. What is it to work the “forgiveness muscle?”
  6. How do we become “forgivingly fit?”
  7. What are some of the obstacles to forgiving?
  8. Why is an “eye for an eye” not the right way?
  9. If I forgive, I’m afraid I’ll forget OR if I forgive, I’m afraid I won’t forget.
10. Why is forgiveness better than a neutral attitude toward the wrongdoer?
11. Isn’t forgiveness unhealthy repression?
12. Do I forgive if the person continues to hurt me?
13. Should I forgive immediately or should I take some time first?
14. How do we decide who to forgive first?
15. How long does it take to get emotional relief after forgiving?
16. How often should I forgive?
17. Can forgiveness and justice happen together?

New episodes of the series will be released every few days on the Psychology America website where they are available at no cost. No special software is required to tune into the podcasts and they can be accessed using Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher Podcasts, Pandora, Spotify, and other podcast apps. Website visitors can also subscribe at no cost to receive automatic email notification when new podcast episodes are posted.

“Dr. Alexandra created and produced the 17 podcast episodes at absolutely no cost to the IFI,” according to Dr. Enright. “She knows that forgiveness can positively impact people who are hurting, and she is a fabulous forgiveness ambassador who is helping others learn about its amazing benefits.”

More than 65 podcast episodes are currently available on Dr. Alexandra’s website including two programs featuring interviews with Dr. Enright: “How to Forgive” (58 min.) and “Rehabilitating the ‘Forgotten People’: Prisoners” (1 hr. 7 min.).

Dr. Alexandra is a mother of four and an expert in family systems psychology, cognitive behavioral psychology (CBT) and clinical psychopharmacology. She has earned a Doctorate in Psychology, a master’s degree (Ed.S.) in Marriage and Family Therapy, and a Master of Science (MS) Degree in Clinical Psychopharmacology. She is the author of “There’s Always Hope”–– a children’s book that inspires hope and teaches empathy for the physically disabled.

You say forgiveness is a paradox in that gift-giving aids the one who gives the gift.  Yet, is there no correction of the other’s misbehavior?

To correct the other’s misbehavior is to engage in the moral virtue of justice.  Forgiveness and justice should exist side-by-side.  If you are being abused by someone, you can forgive if you choose to do so and you can and should seek fairness so that the other stops the unjust behavior.

Is Forgiveness a Decision?

I have heard quite often that the essence of forgiving others is a decision.  As the one who was offended makes this internal commitment to be good to the one who offended, then this allegedly is forgiveness.  Is this correct and if not, then what are some of the problems with this approach?

As a follower of the ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, I have come to realize that forgiveness is a moral virtue because it has the characteristics of all of the other moral virtues such as justice, patience, kindness, love, and all the others.  One common characteristic is that all of these concern goodness, starting within the person so exercising the virtue and then flowing out to other people for their good.  For example, one aspect of justice involves the goodness of an equal exchange between persons.  If you contract with a carpenter to build a table for you at the cost of $300, you are being good (just) by handing over the $300 once the table is complete.

All moral virtues have a certain wholeness to them, according to Aristotle, in that the one exercising any of these moral virtues: a) knows it is good; b) is motivated to do good; c) behaves in such a way as to exercise the good (as in the payment for the table); and d) becomes more competent in the virtue with continual practice of it.

Given that forgiveness is a moral virtue, it possesses the essential characteristics of all other moral virtues.  Therefore, as people forgive, they: a) think about forgiving, knowing what it is and is not; b) become motivated to forgive, which can include a decision to move forward, and an inner conviction or feeling that this should be done; c) behaviorally exercise forgiving, which can be done in a wide variety of ways such as a smile toward the one who acted unjustly, a returned phone call, or other acts of goodwill.

When we look at forgiveness as a moral virtue, we see this wholeness that goes well beyond a decision.  Yes, deciding to forgive is part of what constitutes forgiveness, but to claim that such a decision is forgiveness reduces this heroic moral virtue to only one of its component parts.  This is a form of splitting, so common in modern philosophy and psychology.  For the sake of novelty, some scholars emphasize the importance of feelings when describing humanity; others reduce humanity to behaviors only.  None of this splitting captures who we are as persons.  In a similar way, reducing forgiveness to one of its component parts, whether it is a decision to forgive or a motivation to do good, is to distort the forgiveness process.  If we listen too long to those who split forgiveness into its component parts and chose their favorite part, then we may be hampering people’s full embrace and expression of what forgiveness actually is.  This, in turn, may block deep healing from resentment and prohibit genuine reconciliation because the “forgiver” is only partly appropriating this virtue.

Long live the wholeness of the moral virtue of forgiving.

I have been reading some of the social scientific literature on forgiveness and I am a bit confused.  I see a lot of different definitions of forgiveness out there.  Is forgiveness more than one thing?

To forgive another is a moral virtue of being good to those who are not good to you.  I am going to give you a little philosophy here based on Aristotle.  He made the distinction between what he called the Essence of any moral virtue and the Existence of that virtue.  Essence asks this question: What is the objective meaning of forgiveness that is consistent across cultures and across historical time?  Existence asks this question: How does the fundamental sense of forgiveness (that is fixed across cultures and historical time) have nuances for each person and within different cultures?  So, there is a fixed definition of what forgiveness is (its Essence) and yet it can behaviorally vary according to each person’s ability to forgive and according to different cultural norms for expressing forgiveness (its Existence).  The differences in the definition of forgiveness (its Essence) within the social scientific literature is caused by different researchers having different views of forgiveness (including misunderstandings of what forgiveness is) and not something inherent within forgiveness itself.

I have a co-worker who never stands up for himself nor does he even politely confront those who are giving him a hard time.  Instead, he gets angry (away from those with whom he is in conflict). Sometimes that anger comes out toward me. He can occasionally bang his fist into the top of his desk.  Do you think his actions are sufficient to relieve his anger or does this even help at all?

Your co-worker seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement, which means to take out the anger on something or someone else rather than on the original person who acted unfairly.  In the short-run your co-worker might experience some relief from this catharsis, but in the long-run, as I am sure you know, his hitting the top of the desk will not solve the injustice.  If your co-worker can do some forgiving and exercise this along with courage and a quest for justice, then he might be able to go to those at whom he is angry and talk it out in the hope of a fair resolution.