Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”
I have been wondering: Does the forgiveness process itself change my life, or once I forgive, do I then have to consciously and deliberately try to change myself for the better?
The answer is both. Our research shows that as people forgive, they become more soft-hearted toward the offending person. This can include compassion, empathy, and even love (service to others). At the same time, when people forgive, they then start asking a new question: What is my new purpose in life now that I have experienced the depth and beauty of forgiving? This can lead to a motivation to help others.
For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.
I am somewhat convinced that if a particular person leaves my life, then he will not be hurting my family or me any more. Am I correct in thinking this way, or should I forgive anyway?
Forgiveness need not be reserved only for the times in which you feel deep resentment which might be making you miserable. At times, you might want to forgive simply because forgiveness is centered in goodness because it is a moral virtue. In this latter case, you are forgiving because forgiveness is an end in and of itself. Regarding this issue of deep resentment, it can stay with us even when people physically move away from us. They still remain in the heart and the heart can be restless until the offended person forgives. So, even if the one who hurt you leaves, you can forgive because: a) forgiveness is good in and of itself and b) you might still be resentful and want to be free of that.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
You emphasize the idea of finding meaning in the suffering. What do you mean by the term meaning?
Dr. Viktor Frankl was the first mental health professional who emphasized the term “meaning” in the context of great suffering. He was imprisoned in Auschwitz during World War II. He observed that when prisoners found no meaning in their suffering within the concentration camp, they died. Those who found meaning in their suffering lived. Dr. Frankl found meaning by looking up to the mountains when on a forced march outside the camp. He reveled in the beauty and found meaning in the fact that this is a world filled with beauty despite grave suffering. He found meaning in being determined to be reunited with his wife. When people are treated unjustly and then forgive, they often find this meaning: They now are more aware of the suffering in other people and they are motivated to help alleviate that suffering. This can give determination, energy, and hope to a person and help to re-establish psychological health.
For additional information, see Finding Meaning in Suffering.
With regard to the popular saying, “forgive and forget,” is it unwise for me to want to forget?
Some people are afraid that, if they forget, then the other person’s injustice will emerge again. Others, as in your case, want to forget. When we “forget” in your case, we tend to let the memory fade so that it is not constantly coming up for us and challenging our happiness. I find that as people forgive, they do forget in the sense of no longer having to continually relive the event in their mind. What tends to happen is this: People now remember in new ways and look back less frequently. By “remembering in new ways” I mean that when you look back, you do so with far less pain than in the past. People look back less frequently because, when filled with resentment, there is a tendency to ruminate on what happened in the hope of solving the unpleasant issue. Upon forgiving, you may not have solved the problem, but you have solved the nagging effects of that problem such as anger, fatigue, and sadness. So, it is wise to engage in “forgive and forget” as described here.
For additional information, see Forgive and Forget: What Does it Mean?
I am forgiving my husband for some really inappropriate behavior. Even so, I cannot say that I feel any sense of freedom from all of my effort. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?
We do not necessarily reach complete feelings of freedom upon forgiving because we sometimes have anger left over. As long as the anger is not controlling you, and as long as you are not displacing that anger back onto your husband, then you very well may be forgiving or at least in the process of moving toward forgiving. Has he altered the behavior that you say is inappropriate? Sometimes there is the unfinished business of seeking justice toward a full reconciliation. You might need to talk with him about the behavior and if he willingly changes, then this may help with your sense of freedom.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
