Tagged: “forgiveness journey”
I have heard a lot lately that certain offenses never should be forgiven. Incest is an example. So many say that a women who experiences such abuse is foolish to forgive, to offer mercy to the perpetrator. This makes me so sad for our society that lets bitterness cloud perception. In my view, forgiveness in this case literally is the only way to heal from the atrocity. She can set herself free. I am wondering what your view is of this.
I, too, see a strong tendency in some people to condemn those who forgive atrocities. Yet, forgiveness is one of those moral virtues that is the chose of the one who was treated unjustly. If a person chooses to forgive, this truly is the person’s free will decision and others should not stand in the way, insisting that their own will be the final decision. Even if forgiving is “the only way to heal,” we should not try to force others to forgive. This is because the choice whether or not to forgive belongs to the one injured. You could present the case for forgiving, but in the end, the other, upon weighing the evidence, needs to decide.
For additional information, see Forgiveness is a Choice.
You probably have heard the expression, “No pain….no gain.” I sometimes wonder if forgiving, which reduces pain, gets in the way of growth.
The expression “no pain….no gain” does not imply that one must be in constant pain to grow as a person. In weightlifting, for example, the pain is temporary for more long-term growth of muscles and strength. I think it is similar for a person’s psychology. The pain from unjust treatment is our forgiveness-gym as we develop our forgiveness muscles. The point, as it is in weightlifting, is to stop the pain so that one can grow. So, we do grow as we go though the pain. We also grow in character as we forgive. In other words, pain, working through pain, and finding relief from the pain all work together to help a person grow in virtue and character.
For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.
What is the most difficult unit of your 20 forgiveness units?
Research has shown that the initial decision to forgive is the hardest because it includes change and change can be a challenge. By change I mean this: The forgiver now has to start a journey, one that may not be familiar for the one who just made the decision to forgive. Those who decide to forgive know that they are committing to some hard psychological work. The decision, while difficult, involves courage.
For additional information, see The Enright 20 Step Forgiveness Process.
I sometimes hear that a lack of forgiveness can have physical ramifications. What is the most common health issue that you see in people who have been treated very unjustly and yet will not forgive?
The most common health issue that I see is fatigue. It takes a lot of energy to keep resentment in the heart and to keep fueling that resentment by replaying in the mind what happened. Forgiving can reduce the resentment, reduce the rumination, and increase energy.13-29
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
“Is it possible for someone to actually improve in forgiveness? If so what do you suggest as some keys for me to do that?”
Forgiveness is not a superficial action (such as saying, “It’s ok” when someone is unfair to you). Instead, it is a moral virtue, as is justice and kindness and love. Aristotle told us thousands of years ago that one challenge in life is to become more perfected in the virtues. In other words, we do grow more proficient in our understanding and expression of the virtues, but only if we practice them. It is a struggle to grow in any virtue, including forgiveness. So, first be aware that you can grow in this virtue. Then be willing to practice it, with the goal of maturing in love, which is what forgiveness is (loving those who are unkind to us). You need a strong will to keep persevering in the struggle to grow in forgiveness. In sum, you need: understanding of what forgiveness is, practice, a strong will, and keeping your eye fixed on the goal of improving in love a little more each day.
For additional information, see On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving.
