Tagged: “forgiveness journey”
I am not able to gather any concrete information about the person who robbed me. How then do I forgive when I cannot examine this person’s life, including any trauma that might have contributed to this hurtful action?
We talk about taking three perspectives on the one whom you are forgiving: the personal perspective, the global perspective, and the cosmic perspective. The personal perspective is as you describe: trying to better understand the person’s own struggles, confusions, and wounds. Yet, you still can take the global perspective in which you reflect on the shared humanity between you and the person who robbed you. You both have worth, not because of your actions, but because each of you is unique and irreplaceable in this world. Depending on your spiritual/religious beliefs, you might consider the cosmic perspective: Are you both made in the image and likeness of God? Thinking in these ways may help you soften your heart toward the person.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I have been wondering: Does the forgiveness process itself change my life, or once I forgive, do I then have to consciously and deliberately try to change myself for the better?
The answer is both. Our research shows that as people forgive, they become more soft-hearted toward the offending person. This can include compassion, empathy, and even love (service to others). At the same time, when people forgive, they then start asking a new question: What is my new purpose in life now that I have experienced the depth and beauty of forgiving? This can lead to a motivation to help others.
For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.
I am somewhat convinced that if a particular person leaves my life, then he will not be hurting my family or me any more. Am I correct in thinking this way, or should I forgive anyway?
Forgiveness need not be reserved only for the times in which you feel deep resentment which might be making you miserable. At times, you might want to forgive simply because forgiveness is centered in goodness because it is a moral virtue. In this latter case, you are forgiving because forgiveness is an end in and of itself. Regarding this issue of deep resentment, it can stay with us even when people physically move away from us. They still remain in the heart and the heart can be restless until the offended person forgives. So, even if the one who hurt you leaves, you can forgive because: a) forgiveness is good in and of itself and b) you might still be resentful and want to be free of that.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
You emphasize the idea of finding meaning in the suffering. What do you mean by the term meaning?
Dr. Viktor Frankl was the first mental health professional who emphasized the term “meaning” in the context of great suffering. He was imprisoned in Auschwitz during World War II. He observed that when prisoners found no meaning in their suffering within the concentration camp, they died. Those who found meaning in their suffering lived. Dr. Frankl found meaning by looking up to the mountains when on a forced march outside the camp. He reveled in the beauty and found meaning in the fact that this is a world filled with beauty despite grave suffering. He found meaning in being determined to be reunited with his wife. When people are treated unjustly and then forgive, they often find this meaning: They now are more aware of the suffering in other people and they are motivated to help alleviate that suffering. This can give determination, energy, and hope to a person and help to re-establish psychological health.
For additional information, see Finding Meaning in Suffering.
Can you help me with this idea of “bearing the pain”? It seems to me that if I “bear” this pain, it is like putting an 80 pound sack of potatoes on my back. It will not heal me but crush me.
I would urge you to think about this bearing the pain as a paradox. A paradox looks to be a contradiction, but is not. In this case, the more you bear the pain and do so willingly, then you begin to stand in the pain. As you stand in the pain, then that pain begins to lift, a little at a time. Then, over time, the pain leaves. At that point you begin to realize just how strong you really are. You have taken the pain and have overcome it. Of course, in the case of the forgiveness process, bearing the pain does not occur in isolation but instead in the context of other units in that process.
For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.
