Tagged: “forgiveness journey”
I started the forgiveness process, but I am stuck on the idea that I might be able to have some compassion for the one who injured me. This is not possible. So, am I flunking the forgiveness test?
You definitely are not “flunking the forgiveness test” if you are unable to feel compassion toward the other. Please keep in mind the following points: First, forgiveness takes time and so please be gentle with yourself. Second, we are not necessarily in control of our emotions, especially one as delicate as compassion, or a tender suffering along with the other. Third, please resist trying to force compassion. It likely will come only with time and the continual practice of forgiving. This could be many months. Fourth and finally, you do not have to forgive in its complete sense to have forgiven the person. Even if you can see his or her mistakes, pain, and confusion, this may be sufficient for your forgiving, at least for now.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
How can one keep motivated to stay with the forgiveness process if it is not working after a few months?
First, please keep in mind that it can take many months to forgive, especially if the injustice was severe and you are deeply hurt. I recommend that you focus on your strong will. You probably have had to use that strong will at times in the past, for example, to overcome a soft-tissue injury, or to persevere on a work or school project. Try to remember one incident of appropriating and persevering in this strong will. Now apply it to forgiving. You have a challenge and staying with that challenge by continuing to practice forgiving may lead to even a small improvement in your anger, in your well-being, and possibly even in your relationship with the other person. Any of these as small improvements might increase your motivation of staying with the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I don’t want to forgive a certain person because I am so fuming at what she did. I simply refuse to think about this person. Out of sight in this case means out of mind. I think I will be fine, but I am checking in with you for your opinion.
It is important to realize that when you are “so fuming” it is not necessarily easy to be rid of that anger. The idea of out of sight and out of mind is not so easily achieved because the emotion of anger is not always controlled by the mind. The anger, in other words, can resurface. If you find this happening to you, then you might consider forgiving.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
I am innocent of all charges against me! My friend thinks I was insensitive. I disagree. Should I apologize even if I think I was not offensive?
You do not have to offer a specific apology such as, “I am sorry that I did X.” Instead, you might want to say something like this, “I am sorry that what I said made you angry.” Saying this with sincerity might help. As you can see, you are not saying that you did something offensive. You are saying that you are feeling badly that your friend was hurt.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
My friend and I got into an argument. We both exchanged words and we are not talking. What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?
If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology. Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive. From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
