Tagged: “forgiveness journey”

The Clash between Modern Western Culture and the Moral Virtue of Forgiveness

When surfing the Internet I sometimes run into ads for quick weight loss.  Those ads run something like this: A guy, who may be ramped up on steroids, has his shirt off and he eagerly bites into a high calorie meal.  He then says that he has a physical workout regimen that allows him to exercise a few days a week and retain a muscular physique.  The exercise routine, for example, consists of about 5 push-ups, 8 sit-ups, some front lunges, a few jumping jacks, and then hit the showers because you are……..done.

In other ads, there are “before” and “after” photos, with the message that pill X will burn excess stomach cells overnight as you sleep…….and then presto!  You have a new body.

The messages from these ubiquitous ads are these: Physical fitness is easy.  Buy my fitness program or the pills I sell, and you will have gain without the pain.

What makes these ads almost humorous is the contrast between reality and fantasy, between what is needed for physical fitness or weight loss and what is offered.  It is as if the striving and effort and perseverance are no longer necessary.

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Such messages of gain-without-pain now are pervading the Internet for forgiveness.  Take a look for yourself on the Internet.  As you search for ways to forgive you will be met with advice to forgive, for example, in four easy steps.  Learn to forgive in seven easy steps.  Take your pick.  The advice tends to range from about 2 to 9 sessions of psychological techniques…….and then presto!  You have a new outlook on life and toward the one who hurt you.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a few steps to start a physical fitness program, as you get familiar once again with what a push-up is.  In a similar way, there is nothing wrong with a few brief psychological techniques to introduce you to what it may be like to forgive those who hurt you deeply.

Yet, if you want true physical fitness, if you want true and deep forgiving, you will need to have the strong and good will to start, the rationality to know what you are facing, then practice, then persevere, then develop a love of the workout (physical or forgiveness workout) so that you grow in maturity toward either kind of workout.  Both the achievement of physical fitness and forgiveness fitness require the exercise gym and the forgiveness gym, respectively.

When you are deeply hurt by others, when your heart is hurting, there is no such thing as the forgiveness pill.  There is no such thing as the easy way.  When others make you suffer from their unjust treatment, the way out is a different kind of suffering, which is growth in the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness.  This new suffering is very different from the original suffering from unjust treatment because the forgiveness treatment leads to deep healing so that you can move on well with your life.  The suffering from the effects of grave injustice, if you do not address these effects, may never end.  The suffering from working on forgiving eventually ends.  I want you to see the big difference between the two kinds of suffering. Only one of these offers the challenge of a new start in life as you become forgivingly fit.

Let’s hit the forgiveness gym, when deeply hurt by others, and start becoming forgivingly fit.

My friend and I have a lot of conflicts and yet I do want to reconcile in the hope that these conflicts will be reduced.  What would you suggest if such a reconciliation will be kind of rocky yet we both want to try?

I would recommend two points.  First, are you both willing to forgive each other first so that you do not bring a lot of anger into dialogue with each other?  Second, and if you are willing to forgive each other, what are the small steps each of you can take to help the other feel more trusting?  In other words, what have you been doing to damage trust and can you take a small step in a better direction?  Is your friend willing to do the same by taking small steps to build up your trust?

In my culture, filial piety is very important.  This is a strong loyalty toward parents.  I am emotionally unsettled because of how my father treated me in the past.  Yet, I do not want to reconcile with my father.  Do you recommend that I forgive if I can’t reconcile?

You can forgive without reconciling.  Because of the importance of filial piety, your emotions may become more settled if you forgive and then, because of the past treatment, you do not have to approach your father, unless you are ready to do so.

You talk about forgiveness as a process, one that can take time. I find that as I go along the path of forgiveness, that I slip into revenge-seeking. I do not mean anything violent, just some nastiness or even verbal disrespect. Do you think this will delay my forgiveness process?

We are all imperfect forgivers and so we cannot think of forgiveness as a straight line from the start to the finish. We go back and forth with forgiveness. At times, we see the one who offended us as possessing inherent worth. Then we might have a dream about the person and we wake up angry and do not want to even think about the person. The key here is to understand that the process is not a straight line. Have patience with yourself. Try to have patience with the one whom you are forgiving. In time, this back-and-forth will even out and improvements in forgiving are likely as you continue to persevere in the forgiveness process.

 I have to admit that as I forgive, my anger is not completely eliminated.  I am feeling kind of guilty about this.  Does this mean I am not actually forgiving?

Forgiveness does not proceed perfectly and often the outcome is not perfect.  If you have done the work of forgiving and if your anger no longer controls you, then I would say that you have forgiven even if you have some anger left over.