Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

How to Become a Better Forgiver

We all know that forgiveness is neither simple nor easy. It can be a challenging process. But new tools are being developed that can help you cut through the clutter, sharpen your “forgive-ability” skills, and become a better forgiver. One of those tools was recently released by the
Greater Good Science Center (GGSC), a California organization that sponsors groundbreaking scientific discoveries.

“Eight Essentials When Forgiving“ is a simple practice technique that provides concrete guidelines while breaking down the forgiveness process into easily manageable components. The 8-step exercise is based on the “backed-by-science” work of pioneering forgiveness researcher    Dr. Robert Enright, a University of Wisconsin-Madison educational psychology professor and      co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI).

Specifically, the exercise focuses on Dr. Enright’s basic forgiveness principles in order to help you:

• narrow and understand whom to forgive;
• name and describe your pain;
• understand the difference between forgiving and excusing or reconciling;
• think about the person who has caused you pain in a novel way so you may begin to feel some compassion for them and reduce the ill will you hold toward that person.

The GGSC forgiving exercise also attunes users to residual pain from their experience and encourages them to find meaning and some positivity in it. Step-by-step instructions are included along with scientific evidence that forgiveness works. GGSC also cautions that in certain cases it may help to consult a trained clinician, especially if you are working through a significant traumatic event.

The Greater Good Science Center is part of the University of California, Berkeley. It not only studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being but also “teaches skills that foster a happier life and a more compassionate society–the science of a meaningful life.”

Other practice exercises and forgiveness-related resources available on the GGSC website include:

• Introducing Kids to Forgiveness
• Nine Ways to Help Siblings Get Along Better
• 8 Keys to Forgiveness
• A Different Way to Respond When Kids Do Something Wrong
• Forgiveness Quiz: How Forgiving Are You?

What is your opinion of brief therapy when it comes to forgiveness therapy?

Short-term forgiveness interventions may be effective for those who are not deeply hurt, are not treated deeply unjustly, and who are not clinically compromised.  We have to be very careful in generalizing brief interventions to all people, especially those who are deeply hurting from deeply unfair treatment.  Those treated so unfairly will need forgiveness therapy for a longer time than a brief forgiveness intervention.

I am a little confused.  The published literature seems to imply that brief forgiveness interventions are as effective as long term forgiveness therapy.  Would you please clarify if there is a difference between these two approaches to forgiveness.

Even though brief forgiveness interventions can show statistically significant changes in forgiveness for the participants, this kind of intervention is qualitatively different from longer-term forgiveness therapy, which concentrates more on people who have suffered serious effects from trauma.  Even though both kinds of interventions can show statistical significance, we must avoid the serious error of then equating the two, erroneously concluding that each is equally effective for all clients, whether or not they are deeply traumatized or not.  In such a case, relying on statistics only can distort what is happening in long-term forgiveness therapy (which can cure the effects of trauma) compared to the more minor psychological adjustments that are occurring with emotionally intact people who have experienced frustration and annoyance.  Minor annoyances can be reduced with short-term forgiveness interventions. Deep emotional compromise from profound injustices require more intensive, longer-term forgiveness therapy.  In other words, short-term forgiveness interventions are not the same as long-term forgiveness therapy.

As another question that I have about forgiveness therapy, does the amount of time spent in this form of therapy matter?  In other words, is longer better?

Yes, longer is better.  Baskin and Enright (1994) showed that forgiveness therapy lasting 12 weeks or longer seems more optimal than short-term therapies.  Longer therapies as more effective than short-term therapies also was supported by the meta-analysis by Aktar and Barlow.  The references to these two journal articles are as follows:

Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004).  Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis.  Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79-90.

Akhtar, S. & Barlow, J. (2018).  Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis.  Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 19, 107-122.

OK, so to forgive is not a sign of weakness within the one who forgives.  Yet, it seems to me that as you forgive another person, you actually weakened that other.  I say that because you now are on the higher ground of forgiveness and the other sees the self standing lower because of the misbehavior.  Forgiving weakens the other.

This is a misunderstanding of what it means to forgive another person.  When you forgive, and when the other person “sees the self standing lower because of the misbehavior,” you do not let the other, in that person’s own judgement, remain in a lower position.  Instead, you, as the forgiver, can say, “Come. Take my hand so we can stand side-by-side.” Forgiving is the challenge of seeing the other and you as both possessing equal worth as persons.