Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
I don’t get it. You say it is important to “give the other a gift” when we forgive. Why the emphasis on gift-giving?
I emphasize gift-giving because that is part of the definition of what forgiveness is. As we forgive, we give to the other, particularly the one who has hurt us. Thus, to give a gift of some kind (perhaps a smile or a returned phone call) is to exercise the virtuous nature of forgiveness.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
Forgiveness, I have concluded, is ultimately a selfish act. We do it for ourselves. Comments on this?
There is a large difference between what forgiveness is and some of the consequences realized when we forgive. One of the consequences of forgiving others is that we, ourselves, begin to feel better. Yet, these more positive feelings toward the self are not what forgiveness actually is. Forgiveness is a deliberate, self-chosen virtue of being good to those who are not good to us. This, as you can see by the definition, is focused, not on the self, but instead on the other, on the one who hurt us. Thus, forgiving is not a selfish act or even a self-interested act, but one of the consequences is that forgiving helps the self. This is not selfish to want to feel better and at the same time we should not confuse what forgiveness is and one of its consequences.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I tried to expand my perspective of the one who hurt me. When I did this, I truly saw all sorts of hurts in this person. Do you know what effect this had on me? It made me not like myself because I now ask this: “How could I not have seen all of this before?” I think I am stupid and so now I am not liking myself very much. Help!
Let us take comfort from Aristotle here. This ancient Greek philosopher instructed us that it takes much time and effort to grow in each of the moral virtues such as justice, patience, kindness, and forgiveness. None of us is perfect as we try to exercise any of these virtues. As part of the process of growing in the moral virtue of forgiveness, we are challenged to take this wider perspective on those who have been unjust to us.
I have found that it is quite rare for people to take this wider perspective without some instruction. So, please be gentle with yourself. You still are growing in this moral virtue. You cannot be expected to be perfect in this process. So, as you take this longer perspective on the one who hurt you, please try to be encouraged that you, like most of the rest of us, do not automatically generate such thinking.
Therefore, you definitely are not, in your word, “stupid.” We are all on this journey of discovery and it is all right that we are not perfect at this point. In fact, Aristotle counsels us that we never reach full perfection in any of the moral virtues.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I have tried to take the perspective of my former partner, but I am finding this very difficult. Every time I step inside of his world, I see that he has lost great opportunities and has done this deliberately. Can you help me? Am I missing something when it comes to what you call “taking the other’s perspective”?
I would like to suggest an important addition to your exercises of taking your partner’s perspective. You seem to consider him primarily at the time of your conflict and his leaving. Yet, is there more to him than this? For example, was he abandoned as a child? Did someone emotionally wound him as a child or adolescent so that he now is so wounded that he cannot endure a healthy relationship? My point is this: I think there is more to him than his apparent insensitivity to you in the recent past. Is it possible that he has brought a certain brokenness into your relationship? If so, how are you viewing him when you realize this, if it is true?
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Can forgiveness restore a person’s sense of hope for a better future?
Yes, this can happen and here is one example. A study by Hansen and Enright (2009) was done with elderly women in hospice. Each had about 6 months to live. We screened the participants so that each of them had been hurt deeply in the past by a family member and each participant still was not forgiving. This was our shortest forgiveness intervention ever, 4 weeks. It was short because the life-span expectancy was short for each of the courageous women who volunteered for the study. At the end of the study, those who had the forgiveness intervention increased statistically significantly in forgiveness toward the family member(s) and in hope for the future. Some of the participants called their family to their bedside and talked about forgiveness and reconciliation in the family. Why did hope increase significantly? I think this occurred because the participants now knew that they were leaving their family in a much better position, a place of forgiveness and harmony.
Here is the reference to that research:
Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009). A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60. Click here to read the full study.
