Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

Is it realistic to engage in the forgiveness process when reconciliation is impossible?

If a person chooses to forgive, then it not only is realistic but possibly healthy for the forgiver.  Forgiveness need not be perfect in that one person forgives, the other repents and changes, and now there is harmony.  One goal of forgiving is to hold out the hope of reconciliation, but this does not necessarily occur for forgiveness to be morally good and psychologically worthwhile.  One can forgive, for example, to rid oneself of resentment even when reconciliation is not possible.

Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .

I am in an unfortunate situation at work. My boss is overbearing to such an extent that I no longer want to work here. Yet, because of my current circumstances, I cannot leave my position. If I seek justice from the boss, I could be fired. So, what do you recommend?

When we forgive, we do not necessarily get the best result of a whole and fair relationship.  If you forgive your boss, which I do recommend if you are ready, then at the very least, your resentment can lessen and so your inner world will not be as disrupted as it might have been.  The forgiving may help you to have sufficient energy to apply for other positions if this opportunity arises.  Even without justice in the workplace, you are taking steps to guard your inner world.

Learn more at What is Forgiveness?

How do I even think about forgiving someone who spreads false rumors about me and continues to do so? Others are being told lies about me and it hurts. I am angry.

Your anger definitely is understandable.  You have been betrayed.  The fact that you are even thinking about forgiving is a good step.  I would recommend two initial approaches.  First, commit to doing no harm to the one who is trying to harm you.  Second, with this commitment in place, then try to have a conversation with the one who is spreading the rumors.  Try to get fairness from this person.  In other words, forgive and seek justice at the same time.

Learn more at Why Forgive?

I recently discovered that my wife of 17 years had two affairs in the last 3 years. She would like to reconcile. I came to believe that I should extend compassion to all beings, including my wife, and I would like to forgive her. However, I am not sure I want to take the next step and reconcile. I understand that we are human and everybody makes mistakes, but I feel that I deserve to be respected and treated much better. I think I am respected and treated very well by everybody I know (friends, family, my kids, and my colleagues), except my wife. I also suspect that our values, commitment to truth, and view of morality are very different. I feel that I have to extend compassion to myself as well, and this means that I cannot reconcile. Is this way of thinking a sign that I have not yet forgiven?

Because forgiving and reconciling are not the same, it is possible that you have begun to forgive even if you end up not reconciling. At the same time, your discovery of the affairs is “recent.” Thus, you may still be quite angry and not yet forgiving. I recommend that you take some time to assess your current level of anger toward your wife. If you currently are very angry, this could be clouding your decision regarding to reconcile or not. In other words, you may need some time to process that anger, begin the forgiveness process so that the anger diminishes, and only then ask the important question about reconciliation. If you think that your wife does not share your own sense of morals, this is worth a deep discussion with her prior to making a decision about whether to reconcile. I wish you the best as you work through this challenging issue.

I am an adult who has hurt my mother a number of times when I was a teenager.  I now very much would like to have her forgive me, but I am not sure that she has thought much about forgiveness.  She seems to have accepted who I was as a teen—a very immature young person.  Yet, I would like to see her truly forgive me.  How can I approach her with the idea of forgiveness?

One approach is to take one of the self-help books, such as my The Forgiving Life book published by the American Psychological Association.  I recommend that you read it first.  If you think it is appropriate for your mother, then share it with her and point out some of the sections in the book that proved helpful to you.  Your mother might get interested and, if so, this would give her a chance to work through the forgiveness process.

Learn more at The Forgiving Life.
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