Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
Your definition of forgiveness asks too much of the one forgiving. You go so far as to say that as one forgives, then he offers love to the one who was unfair. My response is, “No way.” I am not going to love the one who was cruel to me. What do you think?
There is a difference, in Aristotelian philosophy, between what a particular moral virtue is in truth and on its highest level (its Essence) compared with how we express that moral virtue in our own imperfect thoughts, feelings, and actions (in what is called Existence). Even though loving the one who offended you is part of the Essence of forgiving, this may not be attainable for you right now (in the Existence of your forgiving right now). This does not make you a failure. Further, it does not mean that forgiveness has overstepped its bounds by being connected with loving those (aiding them even when it is difficult to do so) who do not love us. Loving the other in this way is a goal that you might or might not be able to attain in Existence. Yet, this does not diminish the Essence of what forgiveness is in truth.
How can I get a copy of your children’s book, Rising Above the Storm Clouds?
That book, originally published by the American Psychological Association, is now available free of charge here on our International Forgiveness Institute’s website. Please see the homepage, lower left, “Free Children’s Forgiveness Books.”
It is really hard to forgive my father. In terms of family hierarchy, he is at the top, the one who leads us. Can I forgive someone who is higher than I am in the family hierarchy? It seems that I am putting him down if I forgive him.
When you forgive, you are not “putting down” your father. Forgiveness is not a condemnation of people. Yes, it is an acknowledgment that the other has done wrong, but with an eye toward the truth that this person, despite the unjust behavior, has inherent worth. So, please first try to see that as you forgive, you are not condemning your father for unjust behavior. You are standing in the truth that your father, at times, has acted unjustly, but these behaviors do not ultimately define who your father is.
Do I have to have empathy for the one who hurt me if I am to forgive well? Right now I am angry with the one who was unfair.
It is completely normal to feel angry at the one who was unfair to you. Empathy, or figuratively “stepping inside the other’s shoes,” can help you see the person as more than the injustice against you. It is an important part of forgiving. As you “step inside the other’s shoes,” it is also important to be open to the positive response of compassion toward this other person. Compassion is the softened heart of being willing to suffer with the other, who may have suffered in the past by others’ injustice against this person. Compassion may reduce your ongoing and intense anger against the one who was unjust to you.
I spent many months forgiving my boss from my previous employment. It was hard. I now have to start forgiving my romantic partner and I find it difficult. I have what is called “classical conditioning” in that as I start to forgive my partner, it brings up all kinds of feelings of pain from what I went through with my boss. Can you offer some advice so that I can move forward with forgiving my romantic partner?
As one point of encouragement, please keep in mind that you know the pathway of forgiving, you have walked it, and you have done so successfully. There are two sources of pain for you right now: a) your partner’s unjust behavior and b) the classical condition of pain from what you experienced when forgiving your boss. I urge you to try to do what we call “bear the pain” when the past emerges in your heart regarding your boss. Treat this as its own path of new pain for you. Try to stand in this pain, with a sense of triumph because of the past successful forgiving. Be gentle with yourself as you also willingly “bear the pain” from the injustices by your partner. Please keep in mind that as you willingly bear these two sources of pain, there is a tendency for the pain to slowly reduce and improve substantially, as based on our research on the process of forgiveness.
