Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

I have a friend who is constantly saying that he is “transcending his anger.”  In other words, when he feels angry, he stays in the moment, observes the anger without reacting to it, and then it goes away.  He says that forgiveness is not necessary as a way of dealing with his anger.  What is your opinion of this as an approach to rid oneself of angry feelings?

If the anger is temporary and likely will fade on its own, then patience and being aware of that anger may be antidotes to the current unpleasant feelings, including his response of not behaviorally reacting to the anger.  On the other hand, if the anger is caused by the injustices of others and if that anger has been with him for weeks or months or even years, then this kind of awareness and “staying in the moment” likely is not curing the anger.  In other words, his “transcending his anger” is a short-term adjustment to the anger, but when he is not practicing this “transcendence” the anger may be resurfacing.  It is under such circumstances that forgiving (presuming he was deeply hurt by others’ injustice) may add to the healing of the current anger.  I say this because forgiveness does not just manage the anger in the present moment.  Instead, forgiveness can actually reduce the anger to manageable levels and keep it away.

What advice can you offer to me about the following frustrating situation: I have forgiven my partner, offering compassion and empathy toward her.  She was insensitive to me on several occasions when she was under deep stress at work.  She is convinced that other people cannot know her own private world and so empathy, in her view, is unreachable.  In other words, my words of empathy are hollow for her.  What do you suggest that I do?  I ask because she seems to think that true forgiveness, involving empathy, is impossible.

This is a very interesting situation.  I say that because I have not encountered a situation like this until you brought it up.  If she thinks that you cannot know her inner world, even though you are convinced that you are able to do this to a degree, then you might try a different approach.  Instead of using words that suggest you have empathy for her inner world, try to focus instead on her behavior and circumstances, not to excuse her behavior but to put it in the context of her recent challenges when she hurt you.  She should be able to see that you are able to concretely observe the behaviors and circumstance that increased her stress and likely contributed to her insensitive remarks.  She then should be able to understand that you are viewing her as a valuable person who is more than the insensitivities she has shown to you.

How can I handle another person’s apology when that person does not change?

You can try to forgive before speaking and then, as gently as you can, ask the person for change that is fair to you and to the relationship.  As you are seeing, an apology by itself can be superficial if the other does not take steps to change the behavior that was in need of the apology in the first place.

When we forgive, do we forgive situation or persons?

If forgiveness is a moral virtue in which we are good to persons who are not good to us, then this is a focus exclusively on persons and not on situations.  If you think about it, how can you practice moral goodness toward a situation?  You cannot be good to a tornado or to a traffic jam.  If persons are responsible for the traffic jam and if they are acting unfairly in some way, then you can forgive those persons, but you do not forgive the situation.

‘Tis the Season: The 17 Podcasts of Forgiveness

December is often referred to, particularly in song, as “the most wonderful time of the year.” Soon there will be 17 more items to add to that list of reasons why this time of the year is so special—17 new podcasts focusing on how forgiveness can enhance your holidays and your life.

The “17 Days of Forgiveness” podcast series is a joint venture between forgiveness forerunner Dr. Robert Enright, co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI), and Dr. Alexandra Miller Clark, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist in New Jersey whose upbeat podcast program “Psychology America,” has taken the Internet world by storm.

“This new series is groundbreaking because each of the 17 podcasts focuses on just one element of the forgiveness process,” Dr. Alexandra explains. “That enables us to produce what I call ‘super brief episodes’ that are each between five and ten minutes in length.”

In the first program released on Dec. 1, for example,  Dr. Alexandra asks just one question: “What is the definition of forgiveness?”  Dr. Enright provides a complete yet succinct answer in less than five minutes of podcast time.

In the second episode of the series, Dr. Alexandra asks: “What are the benefits of forgiveness?” Dr. Enright’s response, less than nine minutes in length, summarizes decades of scientific research documenting the physical and emotional benefits of forgiveness.

The remaining episodes include:

  3. What are the two paradoxes of forgiveness?
  4. Does forgiveness have to be about religion?
  5. What is it to work the “forgiveness muscle?”
  6. How do we become “forgivingly fit?”
  7. What are some of the obstacles to forgiving?
  8. Why is an “eye for an eye” not the right way?
  9. If I forgive, I’m afraid I’ll forget OR if I forgive, I’m afraid I won’t forget.
10. Why is forgiveness better than a neutral attitude toward the wrongdoer?
11. Isn’t forgiveness unhealthy repression?
12. Do I forgive if the person continues to hurt me?
13. Should I forgive immediately or should I take some time first?
14. How do we decide who to forgive first?
15. How long does it take to get emotional relief after forgiving?
16. How often should I forgive?
17. Can forgiveness and justice happen together?

New episodes of the series will be released every few days on the Psychology America website where they are available at no cost. No special software is required to tune into the podcasts and they can be accessed using Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher Podcasts, Pandora, Spotify, and other podcast apps. Website visitors can also subscribe at no cost to receive automatic email notification when new podcast episodes are posted.

“Dr. Alexandra created and produced the 17 podcast episodes at absolutely no cost to the IFI,” according to Dr. Enright. “She knows that forgiveness can positively impact people who are hurting, and she is a fabulous forgiveness ambassador who is helping others learn about its amazing benefits.”

More than 65 podcast episodes are currently available on Dr. Alexandra’s website including two programs featuring interviews with Dr. Enright: “How to Forgive” (58 min.) and “Rehabilitating the ‘Forgotten People’: Prisoners” (1 hr. 7 min.).

Dr. Alexandra is a mother of four and an expert in family systems psychology, cognitive behavioral psychology (CBT) and clinical psychopharmacology. She has earned a Doctorate in Psychology, a master’s degree (Ed.S.) in Marriage and Family Therapy, and a Master of Science (MS) Degree in Clinical Psychopharmacology. She is the author of “There’s Always Hope”–– a children’s book that inspires hope and teaches empathy for the physically disabled.