Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

How might people distort the process of forgiveness?

For decades, our group has been monitoring and trying to correct false definitions of what it means to forgive those who acted unjustly.  For example, in defining what forgiving is, some authors have erroneously equated forgiveness with excusing the wrong done, automatically reconciling, and abandoning a quest for justice.

I have come to realize that even the process of forgiveness (how people go about forgiving) can be prone to misinterpretations, to errors in what actually occurs when a person engages in the process of forgiving.  To correct these errors, let us consider four responses to these misconceptions.

1. As a person walks the path of forgiveness, there is a tendency to say, “I have not done enough; I have not reached perfect forgiveness.” This kind of thinking expects too much of the forgiveness process. As Lewis Smedes said in his book, Forgive and Forget, forgiveness is for imperfect people.  We rarely reach a perfect state of forgiving.  We must be careful not to disparage ourselves if we still have some work to do on the forgiveness process once we exert time and effort on it.  Often in our research, when people are gravely hurt by others and are very low in forgiving, they tend to go to the middle part of our forgiveness scale, not to the higher end.  Yet, this progression makes all the difference as people shed excessive anger, anxiety, and depression, and can increase in self-esteem.  The message here is this: Try to be temperate. On the one hand, do not expect perfect forgiveness. On the other, do not give it a half-hearted effort, concluding that, since you are not perfect, there is no need to keep trying.  Strike the balance between too little effort and too high an expectation for you as a forgiver.  You will know you are making progress as your anger lessens and as you wish the offending person well (as Smedes reminded us in his book).

2. Here is another worry about the forgiveness process: “My process of forgiveness may create an expectation in the other that he now deserves to be back in my life.”  Your engaging in the process of forgiveness may lead to a variety of different reactions in other people.  Some may now demand reconciliation.  This is not your fault.  It is a misunderstanding on the part of the one who acted badly.  Other people’s misinterpretation of your forgiving, of your goals in doing so, is not your error.  It is the other’s error and so please do not hold yourself responsible (or the process of
   

   Learn more about the process of forgiveness in this easy-to-use, step-by-step, how-to-forgive guide.

   forgiveness responsible) for the other’s misinterpretation.  You may have to clarify that your forgiving does not necessarily mean that you are ready to reconcile.  The forgiveness process, as goodness toward others, remains good even if others misunderstand.

3. Here is another: “My process of forgiveness may be so time consuming as to imbalance my full life.” This is another issue of intemperance.  We can over-do (or under-do) just about anything.  Be careful not to place forgiving so high on the priority list that you spend far too little time with loved ones, or neglect your job, or fail to get adequate exercise or rest.  The process of forgiveness is part of a complete life.

4. And here is our fourth worry about the forgiveness process: “Even as I engage in the process of forgiveness, I may not end all anger.” This kind of fear is common.  People want to be done with anger and discontent which are effects of the unjust treatment against them.  Even if all anger does not subside, in all likelihood, as you practice forgiving, and then try again…..and then again…..the anger lessens.  You, then, are in control of the anger rather than the anger controlling you.

The definition of forgiveness can be distorted.  Understanding the process of forgiving can be distorted.  Do not let these distortions deter you from the life-giving practice of forgiving.

How to Become a Better Forgiver

We all know that forgiveness is neither simple nor easy. It can be a challenging process. But new tools are being developed that can help you cut through the clutter, sharpen your “forgive-ability” skills, and become a better forgiver. One of those tools was recently released by the
Greater Good Science Center (GGSC), a California organization that sponsors groundbreaking scientific discoveries.

“Eight Essentials When Forgiving“ is a simple practice technique that provides concrete guidelines while breaking down the forgiveness process into easily manageable components. The 8-step exercise is based on the “backed-by-science” work of pioneering forgiveness researcher    Dr. Robert Enright, a University of Wisconsin-Madison educational psychology professor and      co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI).

Specifically, the exercise focuses on Dr. Enright’s basic forgiveness principles in order to help you:

• narrow and understand whom to forgive;
• name and describe your pain;
• understand the difference between forgiving and excusing or reconciling;
• think about the person who has caused you pain in a novel way so you may begin to feel some compassion for them and reduce the ill will you hold toward that person.

The GGSC forgiving exercise also attunes users to residual pain from their experience and encourages them to find meaning and some positivity in it. Step-by-step instructions are included along with scientific evidence that forgiveness works. GGSC also cautions that in certain cases it may help to consult a trained clinician, especially if you are working through a significant traumatic event.

The Greater Good Science Center is part of the University of California, Berkeley. It not only studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being but also “teaches skills that foster a happier life and a more compassionate society–the science of a meaningful life.”

Other practice exercises and forgiveness-related resources available on the GGSC website include:

• Introducing Kids to Forgiveness
• Nine Ways to Help Siblings Get Along Better
• 8 Keys to Forgiveness
• A Different Way to Respond When Kids Do Something Wrong
• Forgiveness Quiz: How Forgiving Are You?

What is your opinion of brief therapy when it comes to forgiveness therapy?

Short-term forgiveness interventions may be effective for those who are not deeply hurt, are not treated deeply unjustly, and who are not clinically compromised.  We have to be very careful in generalizing brief interventions to all people, especially those who are deeply hurting from deeply unfair treatment.  Those treated so unfairly will need forgiveness therapy for a longer time than a brief forgiveness intervention.

I am a little confused.  The published literature seems to imply that brief forgiveness interventions are as effective as long term forgiveness therapy.  Would you please clarify if there is a difference between these two approaches to forgiveness.

Even though brief forgiveness interventions can show statistically significant changes in forgiveness for the participants, this kind of intervention is qualitatively different from longer-term forgiveness therapy, which concentrates more on people who have suffered serious effects from trauma.  Even though both kinds of interventions can show statistical significance, we must avoid the serious error of then equating the two, erroneously concluding that each is equally effective for all clients, whether or not they are deeply traumatized or not.  In such a case, relying on statistics only can distort what is happening in long-term forgiveness therapy (which can cure the effects of trauma) compared to the more minor psychological adjustments that are occurring with emotionally intact people who have experienced frustration and annoyance.  Minor annoyances can be reduced with short-term forgiveness interventions. Deep emotional compromise from profound injustices require more intensive, longer-term forgiveness therapy.  In other words, short-term forgiveness interventions are not the same as long-term forgiveness therapy.

As another question that I have about forgiveness therapy, does the amount of time spent in this form of therapy matter?  In other words, is longer better?

Yes, longer is better.  Baskin and Enright (1994) showed that forgiveness therapy lasting 12 weeks or longer seems more optimal than short-term therapies.  Longer therapies as more effective than short-term therapies also was supported by the meta-analysis by Aktar and Barlow.  The references to these two journal articles are as follows:

Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004).  Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis.  Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79-90.

Akhtar, S. & Barlow, J. (2018).  Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis.  Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 19, 107-122.