Tagged: “forgiveness”
Why do you think forgiving another person actually increases the forgiver’s own self-esteem?
As a forgiver works to see the inherent worth in the one who acted unjustly, the forgiver slowly begins to see his own worth as a person. The paradox is that as the forgiver sees the full humanity of the other, then the forgiver begins to see his own full humanity.
May I follow up again? What do you mean when you say that I as a forgiver begin to view the other “more broadly”?
I mean this: There is more to the person who offended you than those unjust actions. Take your own case. Have you ever behaved unjustly toward others? If so, would you want those behaviors to be the final word on who you are as a person? After all, don’t you have the capacity to help others, to love others even when it is difficult for you to offer this kind of love to others? This is the broader perspective. We all have at least the potentiality to be people who help and who love others.
When you say that agape is our highest form of humanity, isn’t that too high a goal? The Medieval philosopher, Thomas Aquinas, referred to agape as “charity” and said we cannot fully appropriate this moral virtue without divine grace.
Yes, Thomas Aquinas did distinguish certain virtues, which he called theological virtues, which are so high, so difficult, that we need divine grace in order to appropriate them correctly. People can try agape even if they do not reach it more fully, but grace helps us go higher in this virtue according to Aquinas.
I don’t get it. So what if a person has the potential to be good. If she is not behaving in a good way, which basically is always, the idea of potential is worthless.
I want you to see that you are defining this person exclusively by behavior, not intangible qualities such as being a unique person. There never was another person exactly like her on the planet. In other words, there is more to her than her current behavior. She has a worth that goes beyond her current behavior with you. Your view of her seems to be too narrow.
How is forgetting what happened part of the forgiveness process?
In my experience working with people who forgive, they do not forget what happened to them. Instead, they remember in new ways. As they occasionally look back on what happened to them, they do so without the heightened emotions of deep anger or very deep sadness as was the case prior to forgiving.
