Tagged: “forgiveness”

From a rational standpoint, I am aware that everyone is deserving of forgiveness. However, I occasionally feel badly about forgiving someone, especially if I think he doesn’t deserve it. I simply can’t get rid of the feeling that he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. In other words, it is too simple to justify this by claiming that everyone deserves forgiveness. In my heart, the guilt upon forgiving annoys me. What would you recommend?

Let us distinguish between two crucial interpretations of the word “deserve.”  That word has two meanings: a broad meaning and a narrow one.

Let’s start by concentrating on the general idea. By using the term “deserve,” you may be implying that because all people are unique, valuable, and irreplaceable, they all “deserve” to be treated with mercy at some point in their life.

Second, let’s go on to the word’s more specific connotation, which focuses on the injustice that was done to you. We can say, “I believe that this person does not deserve my forgiveness because he betrayed me (disrespected, robbed, or whatever is a serious injustice).” You are 100% right in this second usage of the term “deserve.” The individual does not “deserve” your forgiveness because of what he did to you. Are you aware of why? It is because instead of using a phrase that implies mercy, you are choosing a term that implies justice (“deserve”).

Mercy, not justice, is at the heart of forgiveness.  In other words, the offending person cannot say, “I have a right to your forgiveness.  You are being unjust to me in withholding forgiveness.”  It would be unfair to you for the person to demand forgiveness from you to which you must assent. You are free to forgive him whenever you want.

Try to keep in mind two things when you are unsure if someone deserves your forgiveness or not:

1) Because we are all human beings and because we are all unique, valuable, and irreplaceable, we all deserve mercy at least some of the time. If you are not prepared to offer forgiveness, this does not imply that you must show the mercy of forgiveness to everyone on every occasion. You might change your mind later and forgive.

2) In the second, more specific sense of the term forgiveness, no one is literally deserving of mercy because to deserve here means to exercise the moral virtue of justice, not mercy.  Make an effort to recognize that your forgiveness is not in the area of justice, where there are rights, earnings, absolute obligations, and deservingness. Change your perspective and recognize forgiveness as a voluntary act of kindness and love when you are ready. This could ease your guilt and let you go forward with forgiveness.

At what point is forgiveness necessary? In other words, I can let a lot of injustices go as I move on or forget about them. So, how can I tell when to begin forgiving rather than simply letting things go? And when is it better to act—to defend your rights—than to extend forgiveness?

The word “necessary” has at least two meanings when you question, “At what point is forgiveness necessary?” The first connotation focuses on the need to cultivate forgiveness because it is morally right to do so. The term “necessary” has a second meaning that is focused on your health and well-being.

Let’s begin with the first meaning. Given that forgiveness is a virtue and that practicing it is always beneficial (when balanced with other virtues), it follows that it is important, if you so choose, to extend forgiveness whenever you are the target of unfair treatment. Is it necessary in this case? Yes, if your objective is to develop into a more moral person (for instance, becoming more good and loving). From a societal perspective, is it required—that is, demanded? No, forgiveness is not “necessary” in the sense that you have to extend it or risk punishment because society does not demand it.

Let’s now concentrate on the second definition of “necessary,” which is the situation in which your health might be at risk. It is time to forgive if you are experiencing resentment and intense anger that is beginning to negatively impact your energy levels, focus, and happiness (even somewhat). Is it necessary? Yes, for both physical and mental well-being, especially when you have tried everything else under the sun to heal and you still are feeling quite compromised. Forgiveness is the best way to deal with the internal disruption that can come after unfair treatment.

Justice and forgiveness are dichotomized in your last question. It appears that you believe you must choose between justice and forgiveness. Both may and should be exercised simultaneously. For instance, correct someone who has shown you insensitivity and show forgiveness. If you forgive the person, the correction will probably be kinder than if you confront him in a state of intense anger.

My husband had an affair.  Because we have three children, I do not want to divorce him.  In fact, I do think I have reconciled with him.  Yet, I sometimes feel consumed with anger toward the woman.  I have begun reading your book, The Forgiving Life.  What pointers do you have for me as I work through this book so that I can get the best out of it?  I am highly motivated to try forgiving.

Given your strong desire to forgive and move on, there is a considerable chance that you will do so. You most definitely possess the will to forgive, which is a necessary component of the healing process.  Regarding my book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 10, The Forgiveness Pathway, contains the exercises for forgiving an individual. The ideal place to start would be Chapter 1, which guides you in discovering your inner love. Before you forgive someone who has profoundly wounded you, I begin by strengthening and fortifying you. Next, please read If You Are Traumatized, Chapter 2. It might provide you with answers to some of the difficult questions surrounding forgiveness. After reading Chapters 3–7, I strongly advise you to go straight to Chapter 10.

Ask your husband for assistance with this. You claim to have made amends with him. For this reason, he likely will be your ally. Discuss with him your experiences, particularly in relation to your answers to Chapters 1 and 10. These are the keys for you: forgiving others and learning to allow love to blossom within you.

I strongly advise you to start practicing forgiveness (from the material in Chapter 10) whenever you think about the woman. Never give up and keep going at this. Your determination is crucial to this endeavor. You’ll win.

What was your forgiveness treatment manual for your experiment in the men’s maximum-security correctional institution?

We used the self-help book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness (Enright, 2015) by Norton.

I heard a lecture by an advocate of forgiveness interventions in which he claimed that helping prisoners to forgive could help them.  Is this some kind of joke?  These people are in prison because of their harm to others.  Why should we then help them to forgive others after all the chaos they have caused?

We did a study with men in a maximum-security correctional institution, and about 90% of them suffered from serious injustices against them when they were young.  This is not at all to excuse their crimes because we all have many free-will options when we are very angry.  Yet, we hypothesized that if we can reduce their hatred, then they may be better citizens within the correctional institution, improve in their mental health, and possibly be more open to traditional rehabilitation approaches in the correctional system.  We did a randomized experimental and control group study with the experimental group going through a forgiveness intervention and the control group going through the hand-picked rehabilitation program from the institution. Results showed that those who had the forgiveness intervention went from clinical levels of anger, anxiety, and depression to normal levels.  The control group participants remained clinically angry, anxious, and depressed.  Yet, when these participants then had the six-month forgiveness program, they, too, reached normal levels of anger, anxiety, and depression.  Following the forgiveness intervention, some of the participants went to medium-security corrections because they were seen as less of a threat for violence.

Here is a reference to this work:

Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D.

(2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 28, 1457-1471.