Tagged: “forgiveness”
What steps can we take to forgive non-living things such as illnesses or natural disasters?
Actually, we do not forgive illnesses or natural disasters because these cannot act unjustly toward us. The key is to accept (rather than forgive) these when we are affected by them.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
My partner forgives me. I cannot forgive myself. I now am feeling guilty that I cannot let myself off of that emotional hook after my partner has taken the time and trouble to forgive. What do I do now?
It is not unusual for a person to not let the self “off of the emotional hook” even after knowing that the other forgives. Why? It is because we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. So, I recommend chapter 7 on self-forgiveness from my book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
In your intervention research, have you ever encountered a person who was made decidedly worse when going through the forgiveness process?
In our scientific studies, we have not seen any dramatic examples of people becoming decidedly worse once they willingly start the forgiveness process. Some people do not change their levels of anger, anxiety, depression, or self-esteem. This often is the case because the person has not spent enough time in the process and needs more of that time to effect the desired psychological change. We have not encountered anyone, in a wide variety of settings (incest survivors, people in drug rehabilitation, people in maximum-security prison), who becomes more enraged as a result of truly being engaged in the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Research.
My spouse says that I am an angry person. She is correct, but I cannot recall anyone in particular who treated me unfairly. So, what’s up with my anger?
You might have what is called repressed memories in that you are in denial about some injustices from your past. Sometimes, we so respect our parents, for example, that it is hard to admit unjust treatment from them. See if this might fit your own case. At the same time, it can be the case that you are angry because you reason that the world owes you a lot more than is reasonable. In this case, you might have some narcissistic tendencies (a me-first mind set). This can be hard to admit because narcissism exalts the self. It takes the moral virtue of humility to see the narcissism and to willingly change the pattern.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I don’t feel anger. So, I don’t need to forgive my father for ignoring me while I was growing up, right?
You do not have to feel anger to forge ahead with forgiving. For example, are you feeling disappointed or sad? Do you think you can have a genuine trusting relationship with your father now? If not, then forgiving would be appropriate. In other words, it is not only feelings of anger that motivate forgiving. If you think you have been treated unfairly and this is getting in the way of your current relationship with your father, then forgiving would be appropriate if you choose to do so.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
