Tagged: “forgiveness”
The late Lewis Smedes has this quotation that confuses me: “Forgiveness offers the best hope of creating a new fairness out of past unfairness.” I am confused because I realize that as we forgive, we might not get justice from the other person. I need help on this one.
I think that Dr. Smedes meant this: When we forgive, often times the injustice comes from someone with whom we have been in a relationship (a family member, a business colleague, for example). The fact that we have to forgive means that there was an injustice that could strain a relationship. As we forgive, we become open to receiving that other person back into our lives. This does not mean that we will receive an apology and a new, trusting relationship (because our forgiving does not automatically mean that the other will now be fair). Yet, forgiving does make us open to this possibility of the other accepting our forgiving and thus becoming more fair. I think the key to understanding Professor Smedes’ sentence is his word “hope.” As we forgive, we are open to the other’s changing. We wait in hope for that change.
For additional information, see Why would fairness be given to someone who has been constantly unfair to me over the years?
In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you cite a philosophy paper that makes a distinction between willingness to forgive and willfulness in forgiving. You agree that we need willingness but not willfulness. It seems to me that we need both. Willfulness, to me, is the grit and determination to move forward with forgiveness. Would you please clarify?
Let us first define our terms. Willingness is a sense that forgiving is an unfolding process that can take time. We are open to the sometimes small changes that take place in us as we move toward a deeper forgiveness. Willfulness, in the case of the philosophical article you mention, has more of a sense of control: I want to forgive now and have it all wrapped up now. Willfulness in this sense can discourage people as they push so hard to forgive now, but then do not feel any relief. Your view of willfulness is more in line with the term strong will. The strong will, as I pointed out recently here, is the motivation and action to persevere in the forgiveness process. I agree with you that we need this when we are finding it hard to forgive.
For additional information, see 7 Unscrupulous Traits of People Who are Unwilling to Forgive.
I have a question as a Christian. Paul tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger. Does this mean that I cannot rest for the night until I forgive?
Paul, in that passage from Ephesians, uses the Koine Greek word parorgismos. The prefix “par” intensifies the word and so anger (orge in Koine Greek) in this case means an intensive, likely revengeful kind of anger. Paul also tells us to be angry but to sin not. In other words, people do exasperate us and so we can become angry. We just have to watch how intense, and possibly destructive to others and the self, that anger can get. Do not let the sun go down on hatred. Work on that first and if you have some anger left over, rest well knowing that anger in smaller doses over shorter periods of time shows that you are a person of respect who deserves to be treated well, just as all others should be so treated.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
Can one begin the forgiveness process without first having a thought about committing to forgiveness?
Yes, one can have an intuitive sense that forgiving is good. One can try to “step inside the other’s shoes” to see the other’s woundedness. These processes actually are part of the forgiveness process, but not everyone is aware of this. As the forgiver softens the heart toward the other, then the commitment to forgive might emerge or develop strongly enough so that the person consciously commits to the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I am having a hard time persevering in forgiving someone. What do you suggest?
When you say that you are having a hard time persevering, do you mean that you have stopped trying to forgive? If so, I suggest that you reflect for a while on what I call your strong will. A strong will is the motivation and behavior intended to keep you on a path, any path, that you deem as worthwhile. Philosophers often talk about the good will (wanting the best for others), a free will (choosing to do good rather than being forced to do so), but rarely talk of the strong will. This strong will, or the desire and effort to continue toward the goal, needs reflection and it’s development within you. As the strong will develops, you likely will stay on the path of forgiving. Also, please note that it is fine to take breaks from the forgiveness process. We do this with work vacations or taking time out from the fitness workouts in the gym. We can do the same with forgiving, but with the intent to return.
For additional information, see: On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving.
