Tagged: “forgiveness”
I know that you emphasize unconditional forgiveness, or my forgiving even if the other does not apologize. Yet, I want to hear those three little words, “I am sorry” from her. Does this mean I have not genuinely forgiven?
No, your wanting an apology does not mean that you have not forgiven. Do you wish her well? Do you see her inherent worth, and is your heart softer toward her than before? Have you committed to doing no harm to her? If so, you definitely are forgiving, even if you need to deepen the forgiveness. An apology does help in the forgiveness and reconciliation process, and so your wanting this is reasonable.
Now what am I supposed to do. A friend keeps getting very angry with me over very little things. He asked for forgiveness and I have given it to him. Now, every time he is overly angry and I point it out to him, he keeps reminding me that I have forgiven and so I need to just “stuff it” and stop bringing up his anger. How do I handle this?
Your friend is failing to see that as you forgive, you also are asking for justice. He seems to be using your forgiving against you so that he does not have to change the behavior. I recommend that you point out that forgiveness and justice-seeking are a team. You have forgiven, and now you are gently asking for fairness, for him to change the pattern of communication from anger to respect. If he truly understands the gift of your forgiveness, then he should be ready to try to answer your call for fairness by reducing his angry communication with you.
I have been ghosting a former friend, and, at the same time, I have been forgiving her from my heart. Is ghosting a sign for me that I am not forgiving?
Your ghosting is a sign that you have not completed the forgiveness journey at this point. Ghosting, or choosing to completely ignore a person even when the other tries hard to communicate with you, can be emotionally damaging. Therefore, even though you may be on the road to forgiving in terms of your thoughts and feelings toward your former friend, the ghosting is a sign that you still are extracting revenge to some degree. I would urge you to continue fostering the softness of forgiveness in your mind and heart, and then use these new developments to add behavior to the equation. Try to alter your behavior so that you are showing mercy toward her. If she is behaving in a way that is harmful to you, you need not enter back into the relationship, but you can break the ghosting pattern, for example, by a gentle email that she needs to alter behavior that has been harmful to you.
You often talk about forgiveness education for children. How do you recommend that I go about this if I am naive about what forgiveness actually is and how to go about it?
We at the International Forgiveness Institute have age-appropriate forgiveness curriculum guides, professionally produced, that are meant for parents and educators. If you follow the instructions for each lesson in any of these guides, you, along with your children, will be learning more deeply about what forgiveness is, its importance in our lives, and how to go about it.
I have an adult friend who currently is staying away from her mother because of continual harsh treatment. Is this showing unforgiveness or something else?
It depends on what is in your friend’s heart. If she needs some time away to heal from the emotional wounds, she can still be working on forgiving her mother during this time. If, on the other hand, she is staying away to impose hurt on her mother, this could be motivated by revenge and not forgiveness. In other words, the answer to your question depends on your friend’s motivation for staying away.
