Tagged: “forgiveness”

Is self-forgiveness required if you have indirectly harmed others by harming yourself emotionally for not acting on your own beliefs of right and wrong?

November 22, 2023 No comments

Because forgiveness is the person’s choice, whether it is toward others or toward oneself, we cannot say that self-forgiveness is required.  Some people will choose to forgive themselves and others will not.  It is a legitimate act to forgive oneself when you have harmed others, even if this occurs from anger toward oneself first and then displaced anger that spills over to unsuspecting other people.  So, in this case, forgiving yourself for harming yourself and then forgiving yourself for hurting someone else would be reasonable and likely would be emotionally healing for you.  As you forgive yourself for harming another person, you might consider approaching that person and asking for forgiveness, when you are ready to do so.

Matthew Perry, Shame, and Self-Forgiveness

November 9, 2023 No comments

For many people, Matthew Perry was most well known as the fun-loving, affable, charming Chandler Bing from the iconic 90s sitcom ‘Friends’. As with all people who live their lives in front of an audience, there is always a more complex story and this was no different for Matthew Perry, who tragically passed away recently. Thankfully, he sought to address his personal and relational struggles with honesty and courage and was not afraid to share that journey with others.

Image from Pexels.com

In the aftermath of his premature death, the New York Times posted a guest essay by Heather Havrilesky in which she reflected on some excerpts from Perry’s autobiography that addressed his experience of shame, self-forgiveness, and how his journey of self-forgiveness can be a pathway to becoming more forgiving and compassionate with others.

Havrilesky reflects in the article that Matthew Perry seems to feel a constant sense of shame that he just cannot shake:

In fact, the one person Mr. Perry can’t seem to forgive, at least for a majority of his book, is himself. He casts himself as the person who deserves blame for everything that happens.

She goes on to propose that many of us struggle with a similar dynamic of shame and self-loathing and that we would do well to walk the path of self-forgiveness so that we may find peace and be able to extend that peace to others around us. As she states elsewhere in her essay:

[W]hen you find forgiveness inside your own heart, suddenly, it’s everywhere else as well.

Be sure to read and share the essay as an invitation to experience the healing that self-forgiveness offers!

It appears to me that not all anger is negative. Can’t people find concentration, find energy in their anger, and achieve justice?

October 30, 2023 No comments

Indeed, having anger can serve as a driving force for doing good. However, we must distinguish between anger that stays within healthy bounds (i.e., does not incapacitate us and is not excessive) and anger that escalates into resentment (a sustained and intense form of anger that can cause exhaustion, division, and even medical issues). If we fail to recognize this difference, we risk becoming resentful and believing that it is ultimately beneficial rather than harmful.