Tagged: “Forgiving”

What advice can you offer to me about the following frustrating situation: I have forgiven my partner, offering compassion and empathy toward her.  She was insensitive to me on several occasions when she was under deep stress at work.  She is convinced that other people cannot know her own private world and so empathy, in her view, is unreachable.  In other words, my words of empathy are hollow for her.  What do you suggest that I do?  I ask because she seems to think that true forgiveness, involving empathy, is impossible.

This is a very interesting situation.  I say that because I have not encountered a situation like this until you brought it up.  If she thinks that you cannot know her inner world, even though you are convinced that you are able to do this to a degree, then you might try a different approach.  Instead of using words that suggest you have empathy for her inner world, try to focus instead on her behavior and circumstances, not to excuse her behavior but to put it in the context of her recent challenges when she hurt you.  She should be able to see that you are able to concretely observe the behaviors and circumstance that increased her stress and likely contributed to her insensitive remarks.  She then should be able to understand that you are viewing her as a valuable person who is more than the insensitivities she has shown to you.

I am working for a company that does not have good human relations skills.  There is a subtle sense of disrespect that pervades the work environment.  Do I forgive certain people or do I begin to forgive the company?  If you say it is the company, how do you go about forgiving such an abstract entity?

You can forgive those who specifically have hurt you.  Also, because the company is made up of persons who either explicitly or implicitly have created this norm of disrespect, you can forgive the company personnel who have established this unhealthy norm.  You can forgive these persons even if you never met them.  After all, they are persons and they have made mistakes in how they operate.  Even if this company was established 100 years ago, you can forgive those who started the company if it seems that this norm of disrespect was cultivated by them.

When we forgive, do we forgive situation or persons?

If forgiveness is a moral virtue in which we are good to persons who are not good to us, then this is a focus exclusively on persons and not on situations.  If you think about it, how can you practice moral goodness toward a situation?  You cannot be good to a tornado or to a traffic jam.  If persons are responsible for the traffic jam and if they are acting unfairly in some way, then you can forgive those persons, but you do not forgive the situation.

You said earlier to me that when we forgive we do not acquiesce to the other’s demands.  May I respectfully disagree on this.  I disagree because I have been reading recently and seeing on media videos some people discussing what they call “toxic forgiveness.”  To those who use this term, there is an element to forgiveness that is out of balance with fairness.  Is it not reasonable for all of us to be aware of how forgiveness can get out of balance to such a degree that it becomes “toxic” for the one who forgives?

I think there is a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not by people who use the words “toxic forgiveness.”  They usually refer to people who “forgive” and then just put up with the unfairness of the other person.  This is not an issue of forgiveness at all, but instead of a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we do not give in to the other’s demands.  When this happens, the one who supposedly is “forgiving” is instead deciding to turn away from a fair solution and then is calling this “forgiveness.”  Forgiveness as a moral virtue of goodness does not give in to unfairness.  Otherwise, it would not be a moral virtue at all.  Here is an analogy to make my point clearer.  Suppose a person wants to become physically fit.  This person walks about 200 steps, then sits down and eats a gallon of ice cream.  This occurs every day and the person gains 20 pounds.  Suppose now that this person says, “I have tried physical fitness and it is toxic.  All it does is put weight on me.”  Is it really physical fitness that is the problem, or a distortion of what it truly means to start a physical fitness program?  Suppose now that many people start saying that physical fitness is “toxic.”  Where does the error lie, with physical fitness itself or with a conceptual distortion, and a serious one at that, regarding what it actually means to engage in physical fitness?  It is the same with “toxic forgiveness.” People distort the meaning of forgiveness and then proclaim that forgiveness is “toxic.”

FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT

Over the past 20 years, Joe Daguanno has climbed the corporate ladder at the Mid-West Family of Companies to become Chief Profit Strategist – Partner. That means he is a media, branding, and advertising professional who excels at revenue generation. He’s also a pretty good, and consistent, blogger.

What’s up in the Cosmos? is the title of Daguanno’s personal blog that he has been writing for the past dozen years. His recent Dec. 20 blog post was titled “The Gift of Forgiveness.” Here’s a brief excerpt:

Joe Daguanno, Chief Profit Strategist – Partner, Mid-West Family of Companies

Forgiveness is a gift. It’s love. It’s generosity. It’s mercy.

As we give this gift, we heal.

Holding a grudge acts like a tourniquet to the flow of healing. It closes the heart and the wounds remain open.

Real forgiveness takes strength. It takes courage. It takes honesty. It takes time.

But it’s worth it.

So very much.

Daguanno’s depth of perception about forgiveness developed several years ago when he met Dr. Robert Enright, forgiveness research pioneer and founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI). That encounter led Daguanno to spearhead development of a series of public service announcements that were broadcast hundreds of time on Wisconsin Public Radio and by numerous commercial radio stations throughout the Midwest—all at no cost to the IFI.

As his title references, Daguanno is a partner in Mid-West Family of Companies—an alliance of more than 40 radio stations covering 8 separate geographic markets–all  assembled by the late Dr. William Walker and his son Thomas Walker. Dr. Walker co-founded the IFI along with Dr. Enright in 1995. Thomas Walker continues to provide the IFI with both financial and hands-on support through the Walker Family Trust.

Read Daguanno’s full Dec. 20 blog: “The Gift of Forgiveness.”