Tagged: “hurtful event”
Forgiveness is unfair to the forgiver. After all, those who forgive are asked to do the impossible: to feel compassion, to absorb pain that should not be theirs in the first place, to be kind to the unkind. Can’t we just set forgiveness aside?
Because forgiving is a choice, not demanded in any society of which I am aware, you can set forgiveness aside. Yet, when deeply hurt by others, what is your alternative for ridding yourself of a gnawing resentment that could bring you down? In the giving of the compassion, in the bearing of the pain, in the attempt to be kind, the paradox is that you, yourself, may experience a cessation of the poison of that resentment. Does this seem like an outcome you would like to set aside? Forgiveness advances you toward this healthy outcome and may even reestablish a relationship if the other can be trusted and does not harm you.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I still don’t get your point that when we forgive a person then we try to see them in a positive light. Why can’t we just be indifferent toward that person?
We need to think of forgiveness as a process that is imperfect. We often start with negative feelings toward a person who has been deeply unjust to us. This can change to the indifference which you suggest. Eventually, this can transform to a small amount of compassion and even develop into a sense of agape love, or a love that is in service to the other for that person’s own sake. From the perspective of Aristotelian philosophy, there is an essence or a perfect bottom-line to what forgiveness is in its ideal state. That essence, as I explain in my book, The Forgiving Life, is agape love toward the one who was hurtful. Defining the essence of forgiving as agape love does not mean that all who forgive reach this endpoint. Yet, it is important to know the endpoint so we know the ultimate goal toward which we are striving. Knowing this ideal endpoint is important as we practice any virtue, whether it is forgiveness or justice or courage or patience, as examples.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
What are some tips you can give me to figure out exactly why I am so angry?
In my book, The Forgiving Life (2012), I have an exercise that I call The Forgiveness Landscape. In this exercise, you start in your childhood and try to recall the central unjust incidents and the people who were unjust to you. You then rate your level of anger on a 1-to-10 scale. You do the same for your adolescence, and the same for your adult years. You then order the people/incidences from the lowest (but still significant in your life) to the highest levels of anger. This will give you a profile of your anger. I then recommend that you start with the lowest level of anger and forgive that person. Move up the anger-ladder until you have forgiven the person toward whom you have the most anger. This should aid you in not only gaining insight into your anger, but also at whom you are angry, and then to rid yourself of that anger.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I have a friend who keeps lying to herself about her own condition. She has stolen money from her company, but insists that they have enough so that they will never miss it. She has created an alternative reality in her own mind. How do I help her?
The psychological defenses of rationalization and denial can be so strong as to block the truth from the person. Yet, the psychological defenses are not necessarily so strong as to keep the truth away indefinitely. Over time, a sense of guilt may creep into her story. Try to be aware of these even slightly open doors. It is at the time of even a little doubt in her mind that you can discuss what is true about stealing and what is false. Eventually, if she becomes aware, even a little, of her guilt, then you can begin a conversation about seeking forgiveness and making reparation for the theft.
To learn more, see Why Forgiveness Is Not Only a Psychological Construct.
I notice at the office that some people just seem to have an angry disposition. It is not as if the job is so bad or the boss is being mean. It just seems to be a life-style for them. Is there a central reason why people like this seem to be angry all the time? And can I suggest forgiveness to them?
When you encounter people who seem to be angry all the time, it is my conjecture (and I have not met them, so I cannot know for sure) that they are harboring the effects of a significant trauma in their lives, a trauma that could go back decades. For example, if a person was abused as a child, the effects of this can be mistrust in general and resentment that is displaced onto others. Being in a marriage in which the partner is continually unjust can lead to the angry disposition which you describe. Sometimes people are unaware that they are giving this signal of anger. If people who have anger abiding in their hearts can be made aware that there is a solution to defeating that anger—forgiveness—they might or might not at first accept this. The idea of forgiveness can make some people even more angry and so you have to be gentle and not insist on their choosing forgiving. They may need time to think about forgiveness, get used to the idea, and then try it as their own free-will choice when they are ready.
To learn more, see Forgiveness Education: A Modern-Day Strategy That Can Improve Workplace Harmony.
