Tagged: “hurtful event”
You say that we should not have excessive or toxic anger. Is some anger ok to have as I forgive? If so, how do I know how much is too much?
The keys to distinguishing healthy and unhealthy anger are these:
1. Are you in control of that anger or is it controlling you (with a strong temper, for example, or making you and others miserable)? If you are in control, this is good.
2. Has the anger continued for weeks or longer? If so, it likely is unhealthy anger.
3. Are others giving you feedback that your anger is inappropriate? If this message comes from a reliable source, then it may be time to reflect on that anger possibly being unhealthy.
Learn more at What is Forgiveness?
What is the difference between “not taking it seriously” and forgiving?
To “not take it seriously” implies neutrality. When we forgive we never are neutral regarding the person who hurt us. We are hurt because what happened matters (for fairness) and whom the person is matters (because we share a common humanity). Thus, forgiveness is linked to: a) expecting fairness; b) having a sense of respect and even love toward the other; and c) self-respect and love. None of this is neutral and should be taken seriously. The key in forgiveness is not letting what matters destroy us or the other.
Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .
This 3-Year-Old’s Explanation of Forgiveness is Simply Brilliant!
Kids say the darnedest things. But when 3-year-old Holland, the daughter of blogger Mary Katherine Backstrom, explained what “forgiveness” means, she did it in a beautifully heartfelt and simplistic way. And while kids are known for their outlandish statements (seriously — where do they hear these things?!), this little girl happened to be pretty accurate with her definition, single-handedly reminding us all to soften our hearts a little more often.
I can be rather rude sometimes and I do not like that at all. How can I find the true origins of my anger?
In my book, The Forgiving Life, I have an exercise called The Forgiveness Landscape. In this exercise, I ask you to take a paper and pencil and begin writing down the hurtful injustices against you: from your earliest childhood memory, to later childhood experiences of injustice, then into adolescence, early adulthood, and up to the present time. I then ask you to rate the hurtfulness of these experiences. Next, you order these unjust experiences from the least hurtful experience (yet, still significant because you have identified it) to the most hurtful experience at the top of the page. That most hurtful experience at the top, if it still is causing you considerable pain, may be the primary source of your current anger. The key is to start at the bottom, where you still may have some hurt, and forgive that particular person. Move up the list, forgiving the people as you go. When you reach the top, you already will have practice in forgiving and so you may be ready to forgive this particular person, even though it is hard to do. This may lessen your anger so that you are not displacing it onto others.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
You emphasize, in the early part of the forgiveness process, trying to understand the offender. Doesn’t this just open us up to excusing the other? After all, if we understand the other, we might develop sympathy for that person and so conclude: “Oh, this person is ok. I will just let it go and move on.”
Understanding the one who offended is very different from excusing the person’s behavior. We can accept a person as having unconditional worth and then hold fast to the truth that the behavior was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong despite my understanding the person as a person. In other words, it is important to separate the person and the unjust actions. We try to welcome the person back into the human community as we forgive; we do not then accept the behavior.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.