Tagged: “Justice”
I am not able to gather any concrete information about the person who robbed me. How then do I forgive when I cannot examine this person’s life, including any trauma that might have contributed to this hurtful action?
We talk about taking three perspectives on the one whom you are forgiving: the personal perspective, the global perspective, and the cosmic perspective. The personal perspective is as you describe: trying to better understand the person’s own struggles, confusions, and wounds. Yet, you still can take the global perspective in which you reflect on the shared humanity between you and the person who robbed you. You both have worth, not because of your actions, but because each of you is unique and irreplaceable in this world. Depending on your spiritual/religious beliefs, you might consider the cosmic perspective: Are you both made in the image and likeness of God? Thinking in these ways may help you soften your heart toward the person.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I have been wondering: Does the forgiveness process itself change my life, or once I forgive, do I then have to consciously and deliberately try to change myself for the better?
The answer is both. Our research shows that as people forgive, they become more soft-hearted toward the offending person. This can include compassion, empathy, and even love (service to others). At the same time, when people forgive, they then start asking a new question: What is my new purpose in life now that I have experienced the depth and beauty of forgiving? This can lead to a motivation to help others.
For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.
I am somewhat convinced that if a particular person leaves my life, then he will not be hurting my family or me any more. Am I correct in thinking this way, or should I forgive anyway?
Forgiveness need not be reserved only for the times in which you feel deep resentment which might be making you miserable. At times, you might want to forgive simply because forgiveness is centered in goodness because it is a moral virtue. In this latter case, you are forgiving because forgiveness is an end in and of itself. Regarding this issue of deep resentment, it can stay with us even when people physically move away from us. They still remain in the heart and the heart can be restless until the offended person forgives. So, even if the one who hurt you leaves, you can forgive because: a) forgiveness is good in and of itself and b) you might still be resentful and want to be free of that.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
I still don’t get your point that when we forgive a person then we try to see them in a positive light. Why can’t we just be indifferent toward that person?
We need to think of forgiveness as a process that is imperfect. We often start with negative feelings toward a person who has been deeply unjust to us. This can change to the indifference which you suggest. Eventually, this can transform to a small amount of compassion and even develop into a sense of agape love, or a love that is in service to the other for that person’s own sake. From the perspective of Aristotelian philosophy, there is an essence or a perfect bottom-line to what forgiveness is in its ideal state. That essence, as I explain in my book, The Forgiving Life, is agape love toward the one who was hurtful. Defining the essence of forgiving as agape love does not mean that all who forgive reach this endpoint. Yet, it is important to know the endpoint so we know the ultimate goal toward which we are striving. Knowing this ideal endpoint is important as we practice any virtue, whether it is forgiveness or justice or courage or patience, as examples.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Teaching Children About Forgiveness Results in Mature Adult Thinking About Forgiveness
“If you’ve seen your children struggle to forgive someone for hurting them, you know that forgiveness is complicated,” says Dr. Robert Enright, co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute. “After all, forgiveness is complicated for adults, too.”
Rather than discourage us, however, that reality should in fact encourage parents and teachers to begin teaching children about forgiveness as early as possible and certainly by the time they are in pre-kindergarten, Dr. Enright outlines in an article posted yesterday in Greater Good Magazine. Entitled How We Think About Forgiveness at Different Ages, the article describes how a child’s understanding of forgiving develops as she grows older.
“In over 30 years of studying forgiveness, I have interviewed children and adolescents, as well as college students and adults—and found that our understanding of forgiveness evolves over childhood and young adulthood, partly influenced by what we learn from our parents and communities,” Dr. Enright says.
“Helping our children reach their highest level of forgiving can set them up to live a life without unhealthy anger and with more peace.”
Dr. Robert Enright
Dr. Enright’s research indicates that no matter what age a child is at, he starts with some misconceptions about forgiveness including these:
- Young children often believe that the proclamation of “I am sorry” followed by the automatic reply of “I forgive you” can solve any conflict.
- Fourth graders often equate it with first getting even.
- Many 9 to 10-year-old children think they could forgive and make up with classmates only if those classmates first got what they deserved–punishment for their misbehavior.
- Compared to fourth graders, seventh graders usually develop what is called a “reciprocal perspective” where they can think of themselves and others at the same time but they often say it will be easier to forgive if they are first compensated for what happened to them.
- Many 10th graders take a more complex view of forgiving where the focus is on their peer group and their family context. Here they can understand that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, and that it is possible to forgive while seeking justice. At the same time, however, there is a tendency to occasionally over-emphasize the advice of the peer group. If the group frowns on the idea of forgiving, then the person may refrain from offering the mercy of forgiveness toward those who were unfair.
Those and other misconceptions children hold about forgiveness can be overcome as they learn and practice true forgiveness, according to Dr. Enright.
“Children can reach a profound understanding of forgiveness in adulthood by persistently practicing it, with the help of parents, when they are hurt by others,” Dr. Enright adds. “Such learning, begun early in life, is a building block for mature adult thinking about forgiveness. Worldwide, it is one path toward peace.”
Read the full article: How We Think About Forgiveness at Different Ages
Through articles, videos, quizzes, and podcasts, Greater Good Magazine bridges the gap between scientific journals and people’s daily lives, particularly for parents, educators, business leaders, and health care professionals. Its goal is to turn scientific research into tools and tips for a happier life and a more compassionate society.
Greater Good Magazine is published by the Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at the University of California, Berkeley. Since 2001, the GGSC has been at the fore of a new scientific movement to explore the roots of happy and compassionate individuals, strong social bonds, and altruistic behavior—the science of a meaningful life.
Learn more at the Greater Good Science Center:
- How to Help Your Kids Understand Forgiveness – a 2 min. 17 sec. video subtitled “Instead of retaliating, our kids can learn to find peace by making the choice to forgive.”
- How to Gradually Introduce Kids to the Idea of Forgiveness – Young kids can learn the building blocks of forgiveness and develop them as they get older.
- Why Kids Need to Learn How to Forgive – Forgiveness heals hurts and is good for the forgiver–even the young ones.
- Does Forgiveness Make Kids Happier? – Spoiler alert: It Does.
- Parenting Videos: Raising Caring, Courageous Kids – A fun new video series.
